Author Archives: rozgkeith

In Denial

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We are not a family breakfast kind of family. Most weekends we do our own thing. Since we are on a schedule all week long, when the weekend comes no one wants to commit to a wake up time or a group breakfast. There are, however, a couple of exceptions. Birthdays, mother’s day and father’s day are family breakfast outings. We have our favorite place; the kids know that we are committed and typically there are no complaints about getting up…in fact, I think they actually look forward to it.

Mother’s Day 2013 — we are seated at the Breakfast Club, stomachs rumbling, saliva forming as we ponder the yummy, drool inspiring offerings. Our server comes to our table, pen and pad in hand; one by one we place our order. Just an ordinary family out for an out-of-the-ordinary breakfast together.

Finally, our food is delivered — piping hot, aromas wafting, deliciousness waiting to be devoured. Oops. Olivia’s food hasn’t come. We call over our server and she says, “I’m so sorry. What did he order?”

“She ordered waffles and bacon.”

Did you catch that? I know it took me a long time to get to this point in the story. Now remember, this happened a year ago. Hunter didn’t exist yet — at least not in his current state of being. Olivia was still very much Olivia to us and we were still using female pronouns.

Naturally, as a FTM trans guy, Olivia was thrilled to be “mistaken” for a guy. I was indignant. And, in complete denial. This was my daughter. I was just getting used to shopping in the boys’ department. I was definitely not ready to use male pronouns.

If you had told me a year ago that in a year’s time I would be calling my younger child, Hunter, using male pronouns and correcting others when they call him “Olivia,” I would’ve said NO WAY. No question, I was in denial.

 

 

 

 

Body Dysphoria

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Does this make my butt look big? Are my eyes too far apart? Look at the bags under my eyes. Should I get botox? What about liposuction?

I don’t know about you, but there are certainly things I don’t like about my body. We all have our “trouble” spots and thanks to self-help and fashion mags I’ve learned how to mask, camouflage and enhance in just the right way. Jeans, bathing suits and undergarments create flat tummies, hourglass figures and the appearance of smooth, toned hips, butts and thighs.

When someone affirms as the opposite gender, it is not unusual for them to HATE their body. This is not about a little cellulite or age lines. This is about having a body that does not align with the gender they believe to be. Can you IMAGINE thinking and believing that you look a certain way, that you should look a certain way and then you look in the mirror and see a completely different image? CAN YOU IMAGINE that?

Body dysphoria: The incongruity between what the brain expects the body to be versus how the body is actually configured.*

This is different from not liking the way your skin sags as you age.

Sadly, Hunter experiences body dysphoria, some days not so much, some days a lot, but I do think it’s always there.

body dysphoria

Hunter’s Song

In an effort to reassure him, I offered, “I know your body is not what you want. I know what you see is not what you want to see. I get it. Try to remember that this is a process. The transition and changes will not happen overnight.”

I hope my words helped him. I cannot ever know what it feels like to be transgender, to want to be someone else, to be Hunter. I cannot ever know what it feels like to really hate what I see when I look in the mirror.

 

 

*http://americantransman.com/

The Haircut

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Every teenaged girl I know is, in part, defined by her long, shiny, flowing, flat-ironed locks. Long hair was a prize for my fuzzy headed “blondie” who was bald for her first two plus years. She wanted long hair so badly. Finally, finally, her hair grew and grew. She saw her sister’s beautiful, thick mane and perhaps for a minute dreamed that she, too, could have the same. Unfortunately, the fine, silky strands were so wispy that all they could do was tangle mere seconds after styling.

As Olivia began the journey to become Hunter, she started trimming her hair, inch by inch until the ponytail that hung daily between her shoulder blades became a very stylish, chin-length bob. Just as I was starting to get used to the shorter hair, Hunter began a relentless campaign to go really, really short…right before 8th grade graduation.

I was stopped in my tracks.

“Don’t you want to wait until after graduation?” I asked.

I wasn’t in a place mentally or emotionally to see my daughter at middle school graduation dressed as a boy with a boy’s haircut.

The funny thing is that I had so many people come up to me and gush about Olivia’s CUTE, short, trendy hairstyle that showed off her wickedly penetrating, multi-colored eyes.

middle school graduation

Pride: The Haircut

In hindsight, I see that once there are words and labels that accompany all of the feelings, there’s an urgency for transgender individuals to take action. Hunter wanted to be at graduation in his authentic skin wrapped in a tapestry of maleness.

Let there be no mistake. I was sad; sad that my child did not look like the other budding young ladies that we’d known since kindergarten; sad that I was buying boys’ dress slacks rather than a dress and heels; sad that my daughter was slipping away.

Olivia was transitioning at a pace that felt comfortable. For that, I was happy and proud and awed. While we were really no where ready for what was to come, we were prepared to let it unfold; to let Hunter emerge; to better understand what it meant to have a transgender child.

Out of the Closet

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“Out of the human mouth and into the heart” –Maya Angelou

I can’t imagine what it must be like for kids who want so badly to share their “secret” with the world – their world. How awful for them to move through the day as if their feet are pushing through fresh tar on a blistering hot summer day.

When my kids were little we read a particular book (over and over and over) in which the main character (a chipmunk, I think), tries everyday to get special words out of his mouth. Everyday he tries to tell his parents how much he loves them. He just can’t seem to find the right moment to say, “I love you.” The timing never seems quite right until one day, he feels as if he’ll burst if he doesn’t just say it. Of course, once he shares his feelings, he feels so much better and for that moment, all is right with the world.

So, imagine, a young child, an awkward adolescent, an insecure teen trying to find just the right words, just the right opening in the conversation to tell those closest to him that he has a secret.

We are fortunate. Our kids feel that they can tell us stuff. Would it be easier if Hunter’s secret was about sexual orientation rather than gender identity? YES. There is no question that coming out as gay or lesbian is a lot less complicated than a desire to be a different gender.

This is going to sound really random but here goes — I was listening to Oprah radio on Sirius the other day and Maya Angelou was on. Something she said struck me as so profound I had to capture it immediately. “Out of the human mouth and into the heart…” Think about that.

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LGBTQA – The New Alphabet

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Not that long ago I felt like I had a mouth full of marbles just trying to get four letters to roll off the tongue — LGBT; I kind of knew what each letter of the acronym stood for but didn’t totally feel comfortable with any of them. To clarify, I wasn’t uncomfortable with the diversity of sexual preference or the fact that as people we all have the right to love whomever we choose. It was more about truly understanding what the letters represented, deep down, to those who identified with one or more of them.

For those who are unsure, I offer a primer:

L = lesbian; G = gay; B = bisexual; T = transgender; Q = questioning or queer (depending on who you are speaking to); A = ally

I will get to the “Q” another time. For now, it’s the “T” that is so significant. A transgender individual is one who identifies as a gender other than the one he/she is born with. So, FTM, is someone who was born with female genitalia but affirms as male. MTF is an individual born with male genitalia and identifes as female. We are so programmed to categorize humans as one of two genders. In trans people, the brain and the body are going in different directions. We are learning that not all of us are fit the two gender world we’ve been brought up in.

OK — enough of the wiki for now.

I have to say, I wasn’t shocked when Hunter came out to me. There were little signs all along that seemed to go beyond the “she’s just a tomboy” phase. What does shock me is when parents confess that they were completely “shocked, blown away, had no idea” when their son/daughter affirmed the opposite gender. How, as parents, can we be so out of touch with our children?

Of course, from the moment they are born, we begin formulating our dreams for their future. Who will they be? Will they find professional success? Fall in love? Give me grandchildren? I need to remind myself constantly that these are MY dreams for the life of another. THE MOST IMPORTANT for me — and I remind myself daily — is that I want my children to grow up to be happy, healthy, productive human beings. We need to look at the whole child emotionally, physically, psychologically — they are more than our dreams, more than a GPA and so much more than we often give them credit.  If the path to get there is a little crooked and marred by hurdles and detours, then so be it.

 

What Do You Say?

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The distance between making it “better” and finding “acceptance” is short. The ability to find one’s way on this road less travelled often is a journey akin to climbing earth’s highest peaks.

A year ago, I wanted to make it “better.” I am not sure I knew how nor even where to begin. The task ahead of us hadn’t yet been mapped. The footprints of those before us left a faint trail delivering dead ends and hope interchangeably.

What do you say when your beautiful daughter tells you that she wants to be a boy? In fact, that she is a boy. That even though “I have boobs and a vagina, I am male.” What do you say when your long-haired, hazel-eyed barely 14 year old teen holds a steady gaze and says, “I want to get ‘T’ – I’ve done the research and I need therapy first. So, how soon can we start?” For those uninitiated, “T” is testosterone — a necessary hormone for FTM transition. (FTM=female to male) Did you know that the suicide rate is above 40% for transgender individuals? That’s about 34% above the general population. Did you know that trans teens are at greater risk for self-harm, getting involved with drugs and ending up on the street?

The path to acceptance becomes clearer. We are navigating tumultuous, uncharted territory with the help of some incredibly smart, compassionate pioneers who had the foresight to embrace differences; the insight to understand that we are not all the same. Lucky for us, for our son, for those yet to be born, great strides on this journey are being made.

Whomever coined the phrase, “love conquers all” had it right. What do you say when your child opens up to you and is brave enough to come out and reveal who he authentically is? You say, “I love you.”