Ally Moms

We are a group of moms who have come together because we have a transgender child. We live all across the United States. In fact, we are 120 strong and live in 40 states in the United States. Our children are different ages and at different stages along their journeys. Some are just beginning to transition, some are living authentically as adults already. We come from different backgrounds and none of us have not actually met (yet). What we have in common is an unconditional LOVE for our children. We are allies to the transgender community.

TALK TO AN ALLY MOM: Are you a trans*/non-binary/gender-queer or questioning individual?

Ally Moms are here for you. Many of you out there do not have the support or affirmation you so richly deserve. As Ally Moms, we have lots of love and understanding to go around.  Do you need a friendly ear to just listen? Do you just want to ask a question or say “hello”? It is so important to us that anyone who is transitioning or thinking about coming out has the tools they need. What we can offer is a kind word, a loving, virtual hug, or perhaps a suggestion or two.

Ally Moms map March 18

Do you need a friendly ear to just listen? Do you just want to ask a question or say “hello?” It is so important to us that anyone who is transitioning or thinking about coming out has the tools they need. What we can offer is a kind word, a loving, virtual hug, or perhaps a suggestion or two. We will not judge. FYI… Ally Dads, Coming Soon!

Do you parent, care for, or love a trans*/non-binary/gender-queer or questioning individual?

Ally Moms is here for you, too. No matter where you are on your journey, Ally Moms can provide an empathic ear, share resources, offer camaraderie and mentorship, and community for parents and caregivers who may be experiencing shock, anxiety, isolation, confusion, or a host of other emotions. Whether you are looking for guidance from a parent who is further along on the journey, trying to make sense of your new reality, or seeking to connect with someone who “gets it,” Ally Moms is a phone call or a text away.

VOLUNTEER TO BE AN ALLY MOM: If you are the mother of a transgender child of any age, you may be eligible to join our dynamic group of moms. For an application, click here. If the link is not working on your computer, email Janna Barkin at jannabarkinyoga@gmail.com for an application.

Here are the guidelines for reaching out to an Ally Mom:

If you are experiencing a true emergency, please CALL 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. The Trevor Project is also a great resource for anyone contemplating suicide or just needing some assistance and guidance regarding gender identity related issues: 866-488-7386. The Transgender Crisis Hotline in the U.S. 877-565-8860 or in Canada 877-330-6366 is another resource. This hotline is staffed by Trans* individuals. 

Text one of us before calling; identify who you are and use the phrase “Ally Mom” so we know the nature of the call. Indicate if you prefer to text or would like a voice call.

You will get a text or call back. Here is the link to the Ally Moms list.

If you don’t get a call back within the hour, feel free to try another Ally Mom. You might have called while we are working or on a call with someone else. As a courtesy, please let the first Mom know that you’ve connected with someone else so they can delete the request.

Remember, we are not therapists, medical doctors or trained crisis counselors. We are moms who are allies. We are opening our hearts to be there when we can when your own mom can not or is not there for whatever reason. Keep in mind that we are not always able to take your call or may have limited time on the phone. We are trying to help as many as possible and cannot always take your call immediately.

The Ally Moms are unable to provide financial assistance or transportation. Please do not even ask. If you are in need of financial support for any reason we recommend your local social services agency, a family member, your clergy, etc. These other resources may be able to steer you in the right direction. Medicaid may be available to you.

Did your child just come out to you? Here is a handy guide that will help you through the initial process as you embark on your journey. Parent Guide

For some Transgender 101, here is a great article recently published.

We were mentioned in Yahoo News also.

340 thoughts on “Ally Moms”

  1. Hi, I am Mom to a MTF 24 year old. She just came out about 9 months ago to me. She started on testosterone blockers and hormones about 6 months ago. Thanks for having this blog available.

    Like

    Reply ↓

      • How can I sign up!? I am a single mom of a M2F teen daughter. I have been actively helping her with her transition for the last 2 years. I would love to be able to help other trans kids and be and Ally Mom. I live in Longview, WA and I see you don’t really have any moms in this area. Please let me know if it is possible for me to join in and help. Thanks!

        Heather Wooldridge

        Like

    • Hello everyone, I just found the Ally Moms website while reading a sad article about Leelah Alcorn. My heart breaks for her. I am the mom of an 18 year old FTM who is transitioning on T as a first step, had name legally changed and on other documents and is actively saving money for surgery in the near future. I’ve seen my son go from being in a major depression and almost suicidal (right before he came out) to blossoming and now happier than I’ve ever seen him because he has been living authentically now for the past couple of years. My son is an excellent student in school and accepted the way he is but has lost friends as well when he came out. When he first told me he was transgender I went through a grieving process in private but kept a strong and loving front for my son. I could never turn my back on my children. He did tell me first, then his sister and then his dad. We all have gone through counseling together and listened to trans speakers discuss their transition (Ruby Corado and Lady of Valor Kristin Beck, both very inspiring in their work they do for the transgender community. Both are on FB too). We totally and 100% accept our son for his actual identity. I always had this feeling something was different about him as a small child and as he grew up but I never imagined that he was born with the wrong body and he couldn’t articulate it either. The signs were there but I didn’t even know the word transgender back then. We live in Utah (moved here via military) which is very influenced by the Mormon community and is also a religion that doesn’t support LGBTQ but luckily there are many places that provide support to our community. I have felt alone since we began our journey but once I finished grieving for my daughter and accepted in my heart and now know in my heart “she” is truly a “he” I am much happier and know this isn’t about me, its about my son and I need to be there for him! My main goal is to help my son live with the identity he feels within himself and to be a happy and productive adult. He is going to graduate from high school in June and then go to a technical college so that he can make a good living and support himself in the future. I am so proud of him. Most of our family has accepted him as well but we have had disappointments as well. I hope we see more acceptance of the transgender community as time goes by because at this time I am still scared for the safety of my son.

      Like

      Reply ↓

      • Hi. Wow. What a powerful story. Thank you so much for sharing! And, thank you for loving your son. I, too, went through a grieving process although, it was more like moments of sadness. Did you read the post on this blog called “secret in my closet?” I bet you can relate. Let me know what you think.

        I just got a note from someone else in Utah who has a FTM best friend. He wants to create a support system in Utah. You can probably see his note in the comments section.

        Please keep me posted.
        Xo
        Roz

        Like

    • I am a 16 year old girl that wants to be a boy and I need some help u can contact me at killerwolf505@gmail. Com or Facebook Sabrina zernial

      Like

      Reply ↓

  3. Hi there
    Just wanted to say you are all awesome
    I am a Mum but none of my children are transgender – although I have a sister who is.
    Thank you to those of you who put yourself out there to support the vulnerable young souls that we all need to care for.
    I think you’re idea is marvellous and hope to see something similar develop where we live.
    My sister and I are not biologically related we are sisters by choice. We became friends years before her ‘coming out’ and have got closer as she has begun transitioning. Our family is growing as neither of us have much to do with our biological ‘families’ for various reasons. To see you all offering ‘family ‘ support for others is a wonderful thing.
    Good luck to you all
    Much love, hugs and respect to you all xoxoxoxoxo

    Like

    Reply ↓

    • Mandy,
      Thank you for your kind words. I cannot imagine not loving and accepting my child. It pains me when I hear stories to the contrary. We did get one mom in the UK who wanted to be on our list. I added her. Since people are on FB around the world there will most likely be someone out there in the UK who needs to chat. Have a happy new year.

      Like

      Reply ↓

  4. How do we join up? Is there any training? I am a Mom in Wisconsin to a wonderful son in the process of becoming his true self.

    Like

    Reply ↓

  5. Hi, I am a full time single parent. I have a son who is transgender. He came out his junior year in high school and is now a college freshman. He has been on T for abou 10 months and the transformation has been amazing. He had always been shy and insecure. After coming out his confidence grew and he found true happiness. I have learned through him that I cannot truly call myself cisgendered either because there have been many ways in my life that I lean more towards my feminine energy, and since his birth I have always thought of myself more as a mom than a dad. I once overheard him calling me his mom to a friend and he has told his brother that I am the best mom they’ve got. I now feel like I have a calling. I have been in my current job for 26+ years, but I need to find the way to change that. I am starting to look now for the help I will need. After my younger son graduates high school (he is a junior now) I want to find the means to open and run a transgender teen safe house here in Oregon to help teens that are unsupported find that support and love. I want to offer a place with community and understanding and a pseudo family that understands. help with medical care and supportive couseling and legal help where needed. It is a HUGE goal and I know will take a lot of work, but I am passionate to make it happen. I’m not physically a mom… but I want to serve the trans community as much as any other mom. I know that may not be possible through what you are doing here, but I am greatful for all you are doing. It is inspiring to me, and if not here, maybe I can find dads who are allys and want to join me in a similar group. I hope so. We need this in our society. No more death. No more Leelahs. I cried for hours after hearing her story. At the very least I wanted to thank you.

    -Charles

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply ↓

    • Charles, thank you for who you are and for being so supportive. Many parents don’t realize that the sadness and depression can be lifted …it’s magical, really…when they accept and allow their child to live authentically. Good luck on your journey. Keep me posted.
      In gratitude, Roz

      Like

      Reply ↓

      • Thank you. I just wanted to asy that if, in the course of your conversations with parents or kids/teens you find someone who would really like to talk to a dad, you can connect them to me. I am always happy to talk to anyone about this. I can’t give out enough love!

        Ashland Oregon ….. 541-821-8410 ….. I have a transgender son

        Like

    • Charles, this is a wonderful idea. Best of luck with it. In the UK there is a charity called the Albert Kennedy Trust, they help house LGBTQ young people, and run a few of their own safe houses. They have some high profile support, eg from Ian McKellan (Gandalf) amongst others. It might help you to look up how they run, see if it gives you ideas for your project/charity/idea. Best of luck. Thank you for caring.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply ↓

    • Charles, this is so amazing to read. I have a son that is 18, he wants to transition so badly. I would love to learn from you about hormones, how has it changed him, how much it costs…I would love to email with you, if you would be fine with that. dbrownlock@yahoo.com. My name is Lorie

      Like

      Reply ↓

      • Suzette,
        My son started T about 7 weeks ago. So far, I don’t see any changes but he feels as if his voice is changing. I was hoping for a surge in appetite as he is very thin but so far it seems to be about the same. Take a look through the other posts on this site. You will get some good insight from my perspective as we navigate this journey.
        Best,
        Roz

        Like

  6. I am so amazed by this effort! It is wonderful and encouraging to see the growing support for the trans community. I cannot even express how happy I am that we live in a time of change, that there is finally an expanding culture of understanding and acceptance for those of alternate gender. I have a beautiful, energetic, strong 11-year old daughter who told me at age three that she was in the wrong body. Though I never doubted her, due to our circumstances at the time, she could not live openly as a girl until she was nearly nine. We’ve had numerous friends and family who’ve literally decided we don’t exist (or that I’m crazy – cross-dressing my child to draw attention to myself; or I’m crazy because I don’t “lay down the law” to strictly forbid this so-called behavior; or that SHE’S crazy, going through a “phase,” is confused, or over-identifying with me since I’m a solo mom), I wouldn’t change a thing about her or our lives. Being the parent of a transkid has taught me so much, has opened up a world of knowledge for me, and has brought us friends and support I never even knew was out there. I’d be lost without the support of the community, just knowing they’re there is everything. I can’t understand parents or friends who cannot support their loved one, or forever think of this as a choice. I adore my daughter; we’re currently monitoring her growth and development so she can go on testosterone blockers as soon as puberty begins.

    Like

    Reply ↓

    • Angel,
      Congratulate yourself for being the kind of mom your daughter needs. Clearly you love her unconditionally. I am so grateful for every parent like you. I hope your journey is as smooth as can be. It’s great that you are starting the process before she goes into puberty. Keep me posted.
      xo

      Like

      Reply ↓

  7. What a wonderful blog and a wonderful group of Mom’s. I would love to be a Mom Ally. I have a 22 transgender son who transitioned about three years ago. I also have a 16 year old gay son. I Love them both more than anything in the world. My heart breaks for people who do not get the same love that my kids get. Do you need more volunteers? If so, I’d love to help.

    Like

    Reply ↓

  9. How can I help ? My mtf daughter is 22 and came out to me Dec 22nd 2013 Now just staring hormones and I want to help others who don’t get the same acceptance and love that my child has from her entire family

    Like

    Reply ↓

  11. I would live to be added!! My child is gender job conforming 19 years old. They are beautiful and loved, there’s plenty to go around!
    Jen Morrow
    Maine
    207-289-4125

    Like

    Reply ↓

  12. I’m a dad who cross dresses. If my kids come out transgender, I’ll help them any way I can. Jason is my legal name, but my female name is Marilyn.

    Like

    Reply ↓

  13. Pingback: As #LeelahAlcorn’s mom talks to CNN, Leelah’s Reddit posts come back to haunt her | The TransAdvocate

  14. Pingback: How to be an ally to someone who is transgender | Call Him Hunter

  15. If I can be of any help. Pls let me know. Allies are important for tg people. We need to rally up more organizations for support. TG kids face far more abuse and challenges than the gay and lesbian kids. Especially if you have a M2F kid.

    Like

    Reply ↓

  16. This page literally made me tear up and as a trans person I wish this had existed when I was a teen and dealing with my own transphobic and harmful parents who to this day still are showing “God’s” love by rejecting and not accepting me even though I am 15 years post transition and have a better career than either of them and have been with my spouse for over a decade. Thank you to each and every mother than knows that true love is acceptance and support of all your children.

    This is wonderful but I would strongly suggest that you get a google number to use as the first point of contact or you may get slammed by calls from transphobic and internet trolls like the trans suicide line was.

    Like

    Reply ↓

    • Thank you so much for your wonderful note. I am so happy to hear that your were able to transition and lead a healthy adult life. Of course that is our concern for our son.

      I am not familiar with google phone numbers. Do you know how that works?

      Thanks,
      Roz

      Like

      Reply ↓

  17. I would love to be part is this group. I have a 9 year old transgender daughter. She transitioned about 6 months ago and I know we often have questions or are seeking advice and unfortunately we don’t have anyone that lives near us that we can go to to ask or to talk to. I think this is a fantastic idea for parents of transkids! Kudos for doing it! Where do I send my cell number? We live in the Lehigh Valley in PA.

    Like

    Reply ↓

    • Hi Jessica,

      I am also from the Lehigh Valley and want to let you know that if you ever need a babysitter for your daughter I would be more than happy to help. I’m a 17 year old girl who loves kids and I recognize that it may be difficult to find a positive role model for your daughter other than yourself. No pressure, but if you ever are looking for babysitting care for your daughter feel free to email me at penajulia@yahoo.com.

      Like

      Reply ↓

  18. I wish this had been going on when I started my transition in the early 1970’s I was only16, started at 10 , but really from birth . So glad the support and understanding is opening up for the children and parents of today! It’s hard on everyone but mostly for the person who has to try and be determined enough to withstand the hurdles that will come along the way. I wish I could say there will be none, but that’s not true. My best advice is, if your trans, Love yourself more than the misunderstanding of the world. STAY ! Stay here!…. that is the way to win ! By Showing them they cannot stop you from being who you are! STAY and love yourself just the way you are! Stay……….

    Like

    Reply ↓

  19. Thank you for starting this group and for all you do! I’m sure that you already know that what you are doing is very important and is saving lives! I am the mom of a gender creative, gay son and an ally to all parents with LGBTQ and gender creative children. I would like to stay connected and support your work. I also have resources for families, with an emphasis on families of color and mixed race families, on my resource page at outproudfamilies.com. All my best!

    Like

    Reply ↓

  20. hi. I would like to be a mama on the list. I am a queer woman and I have had trans partners. I have 3 kids. I have a daughter that is 12 and trans. Also a queer daughter who is cis. This list is awesome.

    Like

    Reply ↓

    • Hi. Thank you for reaching out. I just need your general location, cell phone number and preferred email. The email is for my contact list and is not shared with the public list.

      Thanks,
      Roz

      Like

      Reply ↓

  22. As a gay man this made me cry a bit so lovely of you all to speak out and show so much love for your kids…. You are all doing a wonderful thing much love. Matt

    Like

    Reply ↓

    • Hi Ayden. Thank you for reaching out. At this time, the group is comprised of moms who have trans or gender non conforming children. Please stay in touch as I’m sure down the road you can be a great resource. Regards. Roz

      Like

      Reply ↓

  24. Pingback: Ally Moms | Bobcat Pride Scholarship

  25. Thanks for having this sight. I’m a person who has never felt ok in my body. I’m also an Identical twin, and as much as changing would be a relief, I would hate to lose the part of me that is an identical twin. I don’t feel like I fit either the Male or Female Gender. It’s like I’m at odds all the time with myself. I grew up a tomboy, I’ve never liked really girly things. But Transitioning at my age would be very difficult and hurtful for a lot of people. So I am at a loss as to who I am, what to do, ect. For now I will continue to live as a lesbian, as I am not in the least bit attracted to Males. However, there are times when I think, No you were taught this is wrong, you must live a Straight, Normal life., but I know I could never fulfill the role of female in a relationship like that. I was also abused as a child, so touch of any kind is very hard for me, so even as a lesbian, I’ve never been in a relationship. Perhaps it’s better to just be alone, and not hurt anyone. But there are aspects of Being Male that I so wish I could be; and many aspects of being female that I’ve always hated. I still get called a guy sometimes, and I’m sure it embarrasses everyone around me; But part of me likes it. If I could have had the choice I would be a man, that way I would be “normal”, and my problems would still exists but not this one, where I’m constantly at odds with me. I guess the best name I’ve come up with is being half-half. (because I can’t be whole in either gender) I hate my female body, but mostly I just hate me for being so wrong in my very being. I can’t talk to anyone in my family about this. They’ve used it throughout some difficult times as a negative condemnation; and made sure that I knew God would not want me, and I would go to hell. I don’t know. Being gay has been hard enough. And when I came out, there has been no discussion what so ever other than to say that they will always believe it to be a sin, but that I can turn from that. But I can’t keep living a lie. I know i’m older than most the people that probably write you, but I needed someone to understand. I hate me in so many ways, So like I said I think I will continue to live a half-half life…..although I’m not even sure what that means. All I know is I can’t understand why we are made to be wrong, to be outcasts, to be the pariah of modern society. I’m tired of trying to explain things to people, I’m tired of feeling the way I do. and most days I wish I was never born. I don’t really know what else to say other than I guess I hope that others will be able to feel like they connect somehow to this, and maybe live the life they were meant to live. I can’t. and I don’t know that I will even keep on living…..sort of seems pointless. Wishing those transitioning, or debating, or whatever that you find the peace I’ve searched for my entire life to no avail. Good by and good luck!

    Like

    Reply ↓

    • I am so glad that you reached out. There are plenty of us out there who care, understand and accept you. Here are two phone numbers. The Trans Lifeline is a call away. All the people that answer the phone are trans, gender non conforming, half-half. So PLEASE call. It is a free call.
      877-565-8860 in the U.S. Or 877-330-6366 in Canada. You can also call the Trevor Project. 866-488-7386. PLEASE let me know how it goes. You don’t want to leave your twin. I can tell you with certainty that G-d loves everyone. Being who you are is not a sin.
      Write again and let me know how the phone calls went. Xo

      Like

      Reply ↓

  26. I am so sorry that you have not had the support you need and hope that you get it as soon as possible. You are not alone. You deserve to be loved and accepted for who you are. Please don’t believe that your life is pointless. Your life is precious. Sending love and hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply ↓

  27. I would love to join. I would like to only have my first name location an email address posted in order to first verify the person who is communicating with me before I get into deeper communication over the telephone. If this is acceptable you’re welcome to publicly post my email address. you’re welcome to check me out. I have a 18 year old transgender daughter who came out when she was 16. She is 100% accepted and loved 🙂 you can email me for references. I’ve been looking for something like this in order that I can be of some support to others. This is a wonderful idea thank you for going through with it and making it possible for others to help as well.

    Like

    Reply ↓

  28. I would like to drop a line and join the group. My daughter is very genderfluid. She loves to be a girl but she does find herself wanting to be a boy at times even at the age of 8. She told me: “I want to be both!” and “I will be an awesome Drag King.” She’s a fan of Spikey Von Dikey. I have a good few supportive friends and my husband is completely okay with it, but people like my mother often look at me and blame me. I am a pansexual, gender non-conforming parent and often they like to rant that it is my “wild acceptance and support” that has led to my children growing up “weird”. I don’t feel like this is a negative thing, but having more people to talk to about this would be great and I would LOVE to be able to reach out to others who are in need of an ear. I am not great on the phone, but I text like a keyboard speed test to save my life!

    Like

    Reply ↓

  29. I just learned of your site this morning. Can’t tell you how thrilled I am to find this thanks to the PFLAG chapter down the road from me. I am the mother of 23 year FTM son. How refreshing to hear stories of moms who love their kiddos unconditionally!!!! My son came out to me in October of 2013 after at least a year of me asking the question. This was a long and difficult process for him beginning back when he was 13. It was terrifying to me that he feared telling me the truth … thinking the worst that we, his family, would turn our back on him. Never in a million years will I stop loving my children.
    We live in a very rural area where there are closet doors closed tightly for fear of being terrorized. I am grateful that our close friends have accepted our son and are very supportive also. Caeden began T in July 2014 and had top surgery in November 2014. And in Dec 2014 married the love of his life. Who I might add was the catalyst in his coming out. Such a beautiful young woman who I now call my daughter. They live in another state where they are far more accepted than in our very conservative state.
    I would be glad to be a part of your network to offer my support to other moms and dads. While I never hesitated in knowing that I love my kid no matter what I had many questions and struggles and was grateful to a PFLAG chapter for their assistance. If I can offer that to others it would be my pleasure.
    Angela

    Like

    Reply ↓

    • Angela,
      Please email me your general location, cell phone number, preferred email (this will be kept private) and your child’s identity (mtf, etc). I will add you to the list.
      Thanks,
      Roz

      Like

      Reply ↓

  30. Wow, well done to you ladies. As a trans parent, rather than a parent of a trans child, I’m blown away by the gesture. I hope the word gets out and you get more volunteers and traction. This could save lives.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply ↓

  31. HI!
    I’m so excited to see all this LOVE!
    I’ve been working in the field for many years and am simply ecstatic to see people talking more and more about Transgender care.
    I’m a doctor in CT who loves working with adolescents and adults as they transition and I must say… being able to be a part of that experience is one of the things I treasure most about practicing medicine!
    If you need any medical advice or a place to send folks… I’m always available to help!

    Like

    Reply ↓

  32. I’m simply ecstatic to see this much love!
    I am a doctor who has worked in the field of LGBQ and Transgender Healthcare for many years and I must say that being able to be part of a persons transition is one of the most beautiful part of practicing medicine in my book!
    I’m in CT and work with teens/adolescents and adults so if you need or know of anyone in need of medical help… please feel free to let me know!
    Thanks for your great work!!

    Like

    Reply ↓

    • Thank you so much for your comments. One by one we are helping those in the community who need it. Please pass this site on to anyone who might benefit. The blog is written from a mom’s perspective about a trans child’s journey and there are resources as well. Best regards.

      Like

      Reply ↓

  33. I am a 45-year-old transwoman, just recently awakened to my condition. One of my children has informed me that they would like to be gender-neutral so I’m having both my own transition and their as yet rather new condition to deal with.

    Bless you all for starting this site. These kids are so scared . . . transition is the emotional equivalent to letting go of a perfectly good airplane at 20,000 feet. Bookmarked . . .

    Like

    Reply ↓

  34. Thanks so much for volunteering your hearts to those in need. I’m a moderator for a website that supports gender variant people of all ages from around the world. I have shared this page on our FB page in hopes that those who need you are able to find you. Please feel free to message me anytime at http://www.transqueernation.com, moderator: Shy.

    Like

    Reply ↓

  36. I’m transgender female to male. My parents were emotionally abusive to me to the point where I suffered from depression and eventually ran away from home. I’ve currently been homeless for 9 months, and those have been the happiest I’ve ever been.

    With that in mind, I’d just like to say thank you. This could mean (and already probably does mean) so much to transgender youth all over. It absolutely melts my heart to see the sort of parents I needed when I was younger. Please, never stop being amazing.

    Like

    Reply ↓

    • Thank you for your heartfelt note. Eli, do you need help finding a safe place to live? Please let us know if you need someone to talk to. There are lots of us moms here with a friendly voice. xo

      Like

      Reply ↓

      • Nah, I’m in Portland and the Homeless Youth Continuum here is great, so I’m doing alright. Thank you very much though. I’ll remember this place if I ever need someone to talk to.

        Like

  37. Pingback: Ally Moms (For Parents of Transgender Children) | Dog Dharma's Blog

  39. This is such a relief my daughters boyfriend came out to me as transgender. His parents are very religious and don’t approve… i had a lot of questions for him and i’m learning to deal, he has been a part of our family for 4 years and I love him no matter what. He truly loves our daughter and that is all we care about. instead of judging my husband and I have decided to educate ourselves, but I must admit I was very shocked and I’m scared about how he will be treated…

    Like

    Reply ↓

    • Kelly…as the mom of a transgender son (FTM) I can probably answer lots of questions. That aside, CONGRATULATIONS for being so amazing. You are setting a great example. Your daughter and her boyfriend are fortunate to have each other and the support of your family.

      Like

      Reply ↓

  40. This is such a wonderful, wonderful site. I am neither transgender or a mother, but I have friends who are gay, bisexual, and transgender. Kudos to all who are pitching in on this site. I know if I were to have children, I would support their decision no matter what. Thank you guys so much!!! You are all awesome!

    Like

    Reply ↓

  41. Hi, um.. my name is Emily, I was lead here from Leelah’s story.

    I’m not the mother of a transgender son or daughter but I am the wife of a transgender MtF and I’m reaching out for some help/advice. We’re both 24 years old, have been together and married for a long time, and we have two amazing children together. My wife has been “out” to friends and family for about a year (3 years total), I knew for almost 2 years before my wife came out to anyone, including her parents. She and I found a therapist for her to help with the transition, eventually the therapist suggested that my wife “come out” to her parents since they were footing the therapy bill, so to speak. When she came out, it was recommended that it be done in an open place (ie: a restaurant), to avoid any negative responses or a fight, if any. After that my in-laws said they were shocked, understandable, and said they were supportive, but later refuted any help when it came to using their insurance for help, including therapy. I guess one would call it “I’ll support you as long as I don’t have to deal with it” situations.

    I’m not going to sugar coat it, my wife and I are very poor and I’ve been trying to be supportive but I’m sure you understand that the longer we wait to help her, she feels the less likely she will look on the outside what she feels on the inside. So my emotional support seems like it isn’t helping much anymore. My wife has fears of looking like a man, she’s starved herself and nearly committed suicide over it. I’m sure you all understand how all of this feels seeing as you all have children in this situation but I’m at a loss for words and help. Our in-laws help with our other responsibilities, which has been awesome, I’m just having a hard time convincing them that supporting their child with this very important issue counts as a responsibility and a “need”. They’re essentially forcing my wife to pay for therapy herself when their insurance will pay for it, they just won’t pay for the co-pay or the bill that comes after and she really needs it at this point, I’m honestly worried for her. I’ve tried to be her therapist and it worked for a while but I get the feeling that it’s not helping anymore. My family is a whole different story, they’re taking the whole “I can’t see it so it’s not happening” approach, that and they think my wife is a terrible person (different story).

    I’m not asking for money or anything like that, I just need to know some of your stories and how you felt when your child came out to you. Maybe knowing the stories from a parents perspective will help me better understand how my in-laws are feeling.

    Sincerely,
    A very concerned wife

    Like

    Reply ↓

    • Emily,
      Thank you for reaching out. You obviously love your wife very much. You both are so young and are dealing with a lot. For parents, it is often hard to comprehend that the son or daughter that they’ve raised, known all their lives, is now different than what they’ve understood. You and I know that your wife is the same person. Your gender does not change your values or who you really are. If you read through some of the posts on this blog you will find a common thread: unconditional love. Perhaps sharing some of these with your parents and in-laws will help.

      Also, there are some free resources. I don’t know where you live but you can look for a local PFLAG Chapter. You can also call the Trans Lifeline number in the US at 877-565-8860 or 877-330-6366 in Canada. If you’d like, I will pose your question to the other moms and see what other advice they have for you.

      You mentioned that you have kids. Are they ok?

      Let me know how you do.

      Roz

      Like

      Reply ↓

      • Thank you! I’ll have to check those out! It would actually be really great if you shared my story. Yes we do have kids, they are 4 and 5 1/2 years old. We haven’t kept anything from them, we’ve been completely honest about my wife. Our children still do the same things they did with my wife before she came out to them, we didn’t even have to explain to them that she still has the same personality and she’s still the same person. Our kids love her so much! They call her “mum”, I’m “mommy” (for now) and she’s “mum”.

        When my wife first came out to our children we had some family members asking us why they call her mum, not just a normal “mum said ____”, no it was “go see your daddy”, “you mean mum. Mum is a girl!”. That’s actually how my mom found out about my wife, she was playing with our kids and play time was over so they had to come back home. My mom started putting my daughter’s shoes on her and said “it’s time to go back home so put your shoes on so that you can see your mommy and daddy”, my daughter corrected her and said “you mean mum, mum is a girl”, my mom was confused and thought that our daughter was talking about me and said “I was talking about your mommy AND your daddy, not just mommy”, our daughter responded with “I know who mommy is. I was talking about mum, she isn’t daddy because she’s not a boy, she’s mum!”. That was an interesting phone call.. Haha

        Thank you so much! This helps a lot with some of my worries!
        Emily

        Like

    • I’ve been mulling over your issues for several days now. First it really bothers me that your wife’s parents are controlling her health insurance. I understand that finances are tight for you. If you are eligible to medicaid which should pay for the therapy then maybe her parents should drop the health insurance. I am assuming they have kept her on since she is not yet 26. That would relieve them of the financial issue of keeping her on insurance and allow you and her to receive the therapy needed.
      Another thought…if they simply won’t pay the co pay and the remaining 20% could you set up a plan with the therapist that you and your wife could pay that on time.

      Now for my thoughts when my child came out. I first offered whatever financial resources I could to help him get therapy. First and foremost I wanted to be sure that this wasn’t a “phase” and I wasn’t able to determine that on my own. If a therapist assured me that it wasn’t then I would be ready and willing to support. He was 21 when he came out to me and at no time did I ever feel the need to be unaccepting. It is difficult at best for me to understand.

      Like

      Reply ↓

  42. As a grown up member of the French FTM community, I’d like to say thank you for saving lives. My French little brothers now know, that there is, somewhere in the world, Mothers who care.
    As a professional webmaster, I’d like to offer my technical help.
    If you ever want to extend your project to a Multilanguage Multisite WordPress based platform, I’d be glad to volunteer and donate.

    Like

    Reply ↓

  43. Good day!

    My name is Betsy. I live in Spokane, WA and I have a transgender daughter who is 6. She came out to her teacher on the second day of kindergarten. I would be happy to be a contact person and be involved, if you would like my help.

    Like

    Reply ↓

  44. Hi! I have mtf 27 year old daughter. A little difficult because of her pulmonary meds, her doc does not recommend hormone therapy because of the risk of clots. I know this is difficult for her. I worry about her working night shift in Cleveland, Ohio, where she is a senior in college.

    Like

    Reply ↓

  45. YES! MY PEOPLE! I am the mom of a trans* son, age 15. So much of what I just read, especially in the comments, rings true for our family. I just want to say how happy I am to have found you and consider myself lucky to have the distinction of being the proud mom of a trans* kid. Much love!

    Like

    Reply ↓

  46. Hi What a great idea but I was just wondering about the security of this considering all the hate stuff that seems to surround these issues? I got to this site via a closed facegroup group – Parents of Transgender Children – which has members worldwide. Wouldn’t it be great if we could all hook up to be allies in one way or another. I am in the UK – any plans to increase coverage?

    Like

    Reply ↓

  47. I got to talk to the most awesome “ally mom” yesterday. She was like the first person to ever listen to me and to even care about other things other than gender questions. She was far away but she still cared and even helped me with self harm issues too and made me not feel like that. She said that I can still message her once and awhile and she even calls me by the name I want to be called by…first person ever to know how I feel!!!

    Like

    Reply ↓

    • I so enjoyed reading your story Maryanne. So comforting to hear from other moms who have and are going through this transition for our kids. I was able to find lots of information from the transpersons perspective but it was hard finding information from the parent’s perspective. Hearing your story reminds me that it will all be ok. Thanks so much!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply ↓

      • Maryanne,
        You are a wonderful writer and I love that you are supporting Alex with eyes wide open. There is no choice in this as far as I’m concerned. If you’d like to be on our Ally Moms list, please email me with your first/last name, email, cell phone, location/state and child’s info (ftm). Your first name, general location and cell will be published on the list. rozgkeith@gmail.com
        Thank you so much for reaching out and connecting with us. Roz
        PS. My son is FtM also and came out at 14.

        Like

  49. Hello! Found this via Parents of transgender kids on FB. I have a transgender teen daughter. At age 12 she came out as gay. However I always wondered if there was more. In the last couple of weeks she has come out as transgender. This is all new to us and we are still in the learning stage. Working on remembering to use she/her and her chosen name instead of he/him and her birth name. So far she has received tons of support from the family members in our household and friends. Still not sure how our extended family will react. Looking into what kind of support system there is here in Utah. All I know at this time is that my child is my child and I will always be here for her with my love and support. I want nothing more than for all of my children to be happy and comfortable with who they are.

    Like

    Reply ↓

  50. Roz would you mind getting my contact info to Sandy in Medina. We both are in NE Ohio and have sons. As far as I know this is a very underserved area so if she has resources I’d like to know about them.

    Like

    Reply ↓

Leave a reply to gina morvay Cancel reply