We are a group of moms who have come together because we have a transgender child. We live all across the United States. In fact, we are 120 strong and live in 40 states in the United States. Our children are different ages and at different stages along their journeys. Some are just beginning to transition, some are living authentically as adults already. We come from different backgrounds and none of us have not actually met (yet). What we have in common is an unconditional LOVE for our children. We are allies to the transgender community.
TALK TO AN ALLY MOM: Are you a trans*/non-binary/gender-queer or questioning individual?
Ally Moms are here for you. Many of you out there do not have the support or affirmation you so richly deserve. As Ally Moms, we have lots of love and understanding to go around. Do you need a friendly ear to just listen? Do you just want to ask a question or say “hello”? It is so important to us that anyone who is transitioning or thinking about coming out has the tools they need. What we can offer is a kind word, a loving, virtual hug, or perhaps a suggestion or two.
Do you need a friendly ear to just listen? Do you just want to ask a question or say “hello?” It is so important to us that anyone who is transitioning or thinking about coming out has the tools they need. What we can offer is a kind word, a loving, virtual hug, or perhaps a suggestion or two. We will not judge. FYI… Ally Dads, Coming Soon!
Do you parent, care for, or love a trans*/non-binary/gender-queer or questioning individual?
Ally Moms is here for you, too. No matter where you are on your journey, Ally Moms can provide an empathic ear, share resources, offer camaraderie and mentorship, and community for parents and caregivers who may be experiencing shock, anxiety, isolation, confusion, or a host of other emotions. Whether you are looking for guidance from a parent who is further along on the journey, trying to make sense of your new reality, or seeking to connect with someone who “gets it,” Ally Moms is a phone call or a text away.
VOLUNTEER TO BE AN ALLY MOM: If you are the mother of a transgender child of any age, you may be eligible to join our dynamic group of moms. For an application, click here. If the link is not working on your computer, email Janna Barkin at jannabarkinyoga@gmail.com for an application.
Here are the guidelines for reaching out to an Ally Mom:
If you are experiencing a true emergency, please CALL 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. The Trevor Project is also a great resource for anyone contemplating suicide or just needing some assistance and guidance regarding gender identity related issues: 866-488-7386. The Transgender Crisis Hotline in the U.S. 877-565-8860 or in Canada 877-330-6366 is another resource. This hotline is staffed by Trans* individuals.
Text one of us before calling; identify who you are and use the phrase “Ally Mom” so we know the nature of the call. Indicate if you prefer to text or would like a voice call.
You will get a text or call back. Here is the link to the Ally Moms list.
If you don’t get a call back within the hour, feel free to try another Ally Mom. You might have called while we are working or on a call with someone else. As a courtesy, please let the first Mom know that you’ve connected with someone else so they can delete the request.
Remember, we are not therapists, medical doctors or trained crisis counselors. We are moms who are allies. We are opening our hearts to be there when we can when your own mom can not or is not there for whatever reason. Keep in mind that we are not always able to take your call or may have limited time on the phone. We are trying to help as many as possible and cannot always take your call immediately.
The Ally Moms are unable to provide financial assistance or transportation. Please do not even ask. If you are in need of financial support for any reason we recommend your local social services agency, a family member, your clergy, etc. These other resources may be able to steer you in the right direction. Medicaid may be available to you.
Did your child just come out to you? Here is a handy guide that will help you through the initial process as you embark on your journey. Parent Guide
For some Transgender 101, here is a great article recently published.
We were mentioned in Yahoo News also.
Call Him Hunter 
I’m an 18yr old pre-T transguy and I’m currently living with my mom in Nebraska while I attend college. While my relationship with my mom is still pretty good, (for which I’m very grateful), my identity is something she’s having a hard time coming to terms with (granted we’ve had a total of two conversations about it). She seems to think that being trans or gay is something that happens as a result of trauma (she’s Christian). I think I really need to talk to her again, make her realize that I’m very serious and I plan to transition when I can, but I’m just not sure how to approach it. Any kind of advice would be appreciated.
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Hi Hayden,
Thank you so much for having the courage to reach out. I know how hard this journey is. And, having your mom’s support is really important. I often suggest that people share my blog posts with their mom because I have written from a mom’s perspective. My son is ftm and 7 weeks into “T.” I asked Hunter what advice he might have. He suggested that you talk to your mom about how g-d made you and g-d doesn’t make mistakes. Sometimes our bodies and brains don’t match up. No trauma or experience or religion can affect someone’s gender identity. Being transgender is not a choice. I have written a couple of blogs about “choice” which might strike a chord with your mom. Have you come out to your friends? How did that go? I would sit down and talk with her. The statistics are staggering…I am sure that ultimately she would rather have you healthy and happy than depressed and unhappy about not being able to transition or having to transition without her support. Explain to her how much she means to you and how much you need her support. I hope that helps. Do you need help finding other resources in your area? Let me know. Keep me posted, please. Roz
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Hayden,
I know you have thought about this for … possibly your whole life. Remember that your mom is new to the whole thing and needs time to process and move forward with you. Be gentle with yourself and patient with your mom. I think I would recommend saying how you feel, explaining how long you have felt this way, what your hopes are for the future, etc. Let her know that you understand that it is hard for her to understand, but that she can come to you with questions and that you can hook her up with resources, etc.
I wish you all the best and hope that your conversation(s) go well.
Hugs,
Shannon
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Hayden,
I too live in Nebraska…have a 23 yo Trans Son and would be more than happy to befriend your mom. This isn’t an easy road for you or for your mom. But it sounds to me like she wants to continue having a good relationship with you. Maybe if she has another mom to talk to who has been there it would be helpful to the both of you. I’d be glad to help out if I can.
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I would deeply appreciate that, and I think it would help. I know there’s a group in the area for parents of trans and gender-fluid kids, but I haven’t mentioned it yet, and more than anything, I really think it would help her to talk to someone in the same situation, I know it’s certainly helped me to find support groups in Lincoln.
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Hayden,
You can find my contact information on the Ally Moms list. I’m Angela in Nebraska. I do live quite a distance from Lincoln however I know when I was first seeking out support I was better with the anonymity that the telephone offered. I work during the day but do work for myself so I can take calls during the day as well as evening. Just send me a text first to let me know what number I can expect a call from. I’ll offer as much support as I can.
Angela
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My advice would be to talk to a therapist. That would show your mom that you are thinking seriously about this and are being responsible. The therapist could also help you and your mother to talk about the issue.
Many people who are gender non-conforming have experienced trauma. If you have, get therapy for it. (You may want to have one therapist for gender issues and one for other issues.)
We don’t know what causes people to have gender dysphoria, although telling your mother that may not help. The experts do agree, however, that it is not caused by parents.
I think you and your mother are actually doing pretty well. You’ve only talked to her twice. It’s normal for parents to question this and have to deal with their own feelings.
The more you can show her that you are thinking carefully about physical transition and are well informed about your health, the better.
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HI There, Wowzers what an amazing group of loving and accepting people you are. I found out six months ago that I have a transgender daughter. We have truly been blessed with both of our daughters. My younger daughter is one of her biggest fans. I admire their courage so much and love that my child felt comfortable enough with me and her dad to tell us so she can stand in her truth and live her life authentically. I am pleased to see the world embracing this more but I do know we still have a long ways to go for acceptance. Leelah Alcorn’s story was tough to hear and I do hope her parents are moved into change and action so that they can make Leelah proud from up in Heaven above. If there is anything I can do to reach out and help in anyway please count me in as an Ally Mom. Much love to you all, Kaycee in California
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Kaycee– thank you for sharing your story. It makes me so happy every time i hear about a transgender child being supported and loved by their family. Keep us posted on your journey. xo
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Hi my mtf daughter just sent me the link to you all. Wonderful to see moms helping moms. I wish I had understood more when my daughter first brought it up by letter. But back then I was like stick my head in the sand. When she came out to everyone I was amazed how open the rest of my family was to it. I love my daughter and would do most anything for her. I only wish my husband, not her father was as open minded as he claims. It would be easier for him is she was just gay. But I don’t care she is my daughter and I love her. I don’t htink I can be of any help but it is nice to know you are here.
Beth
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Beth,
I am so glad you connected with us! Its great that you support her now. I invite you to read through the callhimhunter blog posts — written from a mom’s perspective (mine) about my son’s journey. Take care.
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I am a mom of a mtf 22 year old daughter, Emily. She is my oldest child. I have known now for only 7 months, so it is still quite fresh. One thing is for sure, I love all of my children and each one is unique and special. I’m happy that Emily is free to be who she wants to be now and that I am a part of her life. God certainly doesn’t make mistakes, He made my beautiful daughter with a heart of gold! I hope all families can love and support their children. In two months, Emily turns 23 and she will get a nice daughter birthday card from us.
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Thank you, thank you, thank you! This made day! Happy birthday to Emily. I am happy for you all. Please keep me posted. xo
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I’m not transgendered, but I just wanted to tell you all that I came across this (someone had posted a link on Facebook) and I think what you’re doing is awesome. 🙂
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Love this!
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This rings so true for me. There are times when I miss my little girl so much. I could never be sad for my son being who he is because he is so much happier and more confident than ever before. Our relationship has changed, though, as he embraces his masculine self. We are just as close, but he is not as open to physical contact (like hugs) and I do miss that. I don’t have anyone I can really talk to about those feelings, so it is comforting to know I am not alone in them. Thank you.
-Charles
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im a FTM trans. im 19 yrs old and i go to itt-tech. i try to look like a guy but some people tell me they still see me as a girl because of my voice, boobs, and facial features (lack of facial hair). i really wish i couldve been born right. but because i wasnt my only option is to get the sex change operation(s). but im too poor to even pay for college. how can i pay for a sex change. it depresses me when i think that ill always be a girl. at first when my mom found out i had a girlfriend ( my first girl friend) she and all my family/siblings hated me. but they’ve always hated me so whats the difference. now, about 5 yrs after she found out, i live with her again and shes accepting that i like girls but she still wont accept me as her son. shes never been a loving mother. always harsh and angry. i wish i couldve chosen who my mother&father wouldve been. dont even get me started of my biological father.
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Hi Chris,
I know how hard it can be sometimes when you are just trying to put one foot in front of the other. The Ally Moms are here to connect and lend some support. You can contact anyone of us on the list via text or voice call. We don’t get to choose our parents but you can choose to take some different steps. Depending on your state (assuming you are in the U.S.) there are resources available to you. If I can help in any other way, please let me know. Do you have a binder so you can present as more masculine? If not, there are a number of resources to help with that. Check out this page: http://wp.me/P4GppQ-4u and hope that helps.
Roz
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I hear what you are saying and my mind totally agrees but it is my heart that aches. Vivienne Ming, formally Evan Smith told me in an e-mail that she a kinder, more productive, and happier female than she ever was as a male. I keep that thought in my mind always. I see that the same is true of my child. She too was unhappy, not productive and angry. I worried day and night. This was before I knew what was going on. It is just a hard road that I wish we were not on. I hope that some day I can shake this sadness and be filled with happiness again. I am glad I found this group.
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Donna: I think you are doing a great job in accepting your daughter as who she really is. I went through the same thing as you are right now and I guarantee you it will get better. I think if you stay with this group and/or seek counseling for yourself you will be on your way to getting back to normal. I was so depressed when my son first told me but as time went on and the whole family got on board with it (my husband and daughter and myself) it was our road to acceptance and me healing from losing my youngest daughter and reminding myself everyday and sometimes even now, that this is about my son and not about me. When we can see that our children are happier and presenting themselves as to how they feel inside, we can’t help but be happy for them. I remind myself how gipped he feels being born with the wrong body. I am so happy for my son now, I can’t remember the last time I cried about it. He has the support of his family and close friends, he is a health nut, and has good plans for his future. How can I not be happy about that? I’m very proud of him!
Charles: I am so happy to hear how supportive you are of your son! I’m sorry about the physical contact thing. It could be that he’s embarrassed about his breasts. I’m not trying to sound gross but my son is the same way. He is very self conscious of them and wants them gone so bad. We have an appointment next month with a surgeon for his first consultation on removing and reshaping his chest. When we hug our son he curves his back because he doesn’t want us to feel anything on his chest. Its something you and I can’t fully understand but we just have to remember that inside they are male and these breasts have betrayed them. I hope this makes sense and I hope you don’t mind me chiming in. My son told me he’s transgender almost 2 years ago now and I still struggle with certain things but we have come a long way!
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How do I become an Ally mom? My daughter is transgender and I would love to be able to help other moms or children!!
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Jere,
Hi there. Thank you for reaching out. If you would like to help I need some info from you. Please email me your first/last name, location, cell phone number and how your child identifies (mtf, for ex). We publish first name, general location and phone number so you can be contacted. My email is rozgkeith@gmail.com
I look forward to hearing from you. Best,
Roz
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Donna,
I understand that ache in your heart. Know that we Ally Moms are here not only for ours and the kids who have unsupportive parents but for other Moms and Dads, and brothers, sisters, grandmas and grandpas and all others who need our support with their transgender kids. I don’t know if that ache will ever completely go away but I do know that as you watch your child grow and become he will find yourself filled with happiness again. I’d be happy to visit with you anytime. You’ll find me on the Ally Mom listing. Angela in Nebraska. I’m not a therapist, counselor or anything like that — I just know that together we can love our kids through whatever comes our way.
Bless you
Angela
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My experience seems different than what I’m reading here. My mtf daughter (still getting used to the words) came out just over a year ago at the age of 15. It wasn’t much of a surprise, although the speed of the transition took me a little off guard. She wears tasteful clothing she has chosen and actively trades clothes with some other trans friends she knows. She is fortunate to attend a school with a very strong GSA and support system, and a wonderful group of friends. There are single user washrooms available in the school. For a school trip, arrangements were even made with female students and their parents to accommodate her in terms of rooming. It both pleases me and amazes me that this was possible.
In many ways, not much has really changed for me as her mom. She is still the same person she always was, just shows her style in different ways.
As a child, she preferred figure skating to hockey, ballet to judo, even celebrated a birthday with a fairy theme along the way. Although those things are stereotypically female, we never attached any gender label to any of them because we considered it irrelevant to the activities. What can I say? I’m a child of the 70’s, when Marlo Thomas sang about being “Free to Be”. As long as she wanted it, we always allowed her to follow her interests. Except once–I didn’t let her get the glittery pink plastic shoes she chose at the age of 4. Aside from that, we never forced any gender stereotyped on our kids, so when she announced she is a “she” and not the “he” we’d thought, for me at least, there wasn’t much to deal with aside from the fear of society’s reaction.
In just over a year of dressing female 100% of the time, she has only had one negative experience, and several strangers quickly came to her defense. Family members who I had thought would be upset and unaccepting have surprised me and shown support. I can only hope others might begin to experience this sort of freedom. I feel very fortunate thus far, but I remain wary and on guard for her safety.
I’m not sure what the future holds in regard to hormone therapy and/or surgery for her, since she has some health concerns that put her at additional risk for either. I worry about those things, and I’m not sure how to gauge what she needs emotionally and mentally vs. the potential physical risks. We agree that starting with voice coaching is a medically safe way to go, as well as some self defense classes “just in case”.
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I just have to say you are a beautiful group of people with amazing hearts. I think what you guys are doing is simply wonderful and compassionate and I’m pretty jealous my mom isn’t as supportive as you all lol
My story’s pretty depressing. I’m over 18 years old and FTM (pre-T), still doing some deep internal thinking and figuring things out but I know this is who I am and I discovered what I was when I was 16.
Coming out to my family was not easy at all. I was forced to come out to my parents over a year ago. They didn’t react well. My mom and dad cried and cried and cried. She told me she wanted me to try exposure therapy, tell her every night one thing I loved about being a girl, and even suggested taking me to some doctor to cure me of my “obsessive thoughts.” Luckily for me, she never did any of those things but that didn’t stop from making me terrified of being at home and especially weekends. In a way, school became my safe haven while home because a nightmare. I was also told by my older sister that I was selfish and if my mom got cancer it would be my fault (my mom did get cancer 8 months later but she’s doing much better after treatment. I was also told not to do anything “transgender related or bring it up at all” or it would make my mom’s cancer worse). My mom is a pretty old fashioned conservative woman, but she still loves me with all her heart. I know her love is above and beyond but she’s scared for me and believes transitioning doesn’t work, reads transphobic articles, and doesn’t believe I’m trans but just a confused girl. She said herself to my school guidance counselor in an email that she and my father would have been “less sad if I had a terminal illness than if I was transgender.” I’m not sure if she feels that way anymore but I know for a fact that she’s just scared for me. Also 6 months of therapy to “fix me” also didn’t work.
Yeah, things haven’t been easy at all for me but they still let me wear masculine clothing and get semi-masculine haircuts (things would be much worse if they didn’t!). I pass as a man for most of the time but it won’t be a while before I can finally get myself on the right path.
ANYWAYS, as depressing as it gets for me, I still have hope for myself and beautiful mothers like you just make my heart swell with happiness for you and your children.
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Mason,
I am so sorry that you are being blamed for bad stuff happening. I am glad that you reached out. And, I love that you have the confidence and self-awareness to have hope for your future. Thankfully, school was a safe haven for you. It is hard for us parents to switch up our thinking…I have always been supportive of my son but that doesn’t mean it was easy.
I am sure that your parents wouldn’t want you to have a terminal illness…dealing with a transgender child is uncharted territory for parents. It’s scary when there is no road map.
If you think it would help, show your parents some of my blog posts. I’ve found that they give a real perspective from a mom’s viewpoint.
Feel free to reach out to any of the Ally Moms if you want to text or chat. You can also email me: rozgkeith@gmail.com
Best wishes to you.
Roz
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I am so sorry to hear you are not getting the support you deserve. My son is 19 FTM and so much happier now. I can’t imaging not accepting who he is though it is tough for the parents as well as we worry so much about waht might happen to our kid. There is also a bit of lack of knowledge, a lot of misconceptions and even a touch of ‘sahme’ – is it my fault this happened and so it can take a while for the parentto come round. But you have to stay strong for yourself and not heed the emotional blackmail you are been subject to – that is teerrible.
Besides this site there is aslo a closed group for Parents of transgender children and maybe you could persuade one parent at least to join and see how much support there is from parents as well as the doubts nad the fear and the tears. This group helped me alot as does this site.
You deserve to have a happy life, I hope it comes with the blessings of your family.
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Hi. My daughter (17 years old) has just come out as being transgender ftm. I am struggling with this as there is so little support here in Tasmania Australia. I am trying though. We bought heaps of boy clothes and he even asked me for help choosing his name. I am so afraid for him when school goes back next week as this will be his first year attending as a boy. After years of bullying I’m so afraid its going to happen again. He lost his best friend to suicide last year and I fear so much I will lose him too. How do I get past the fear? I’m having anxiety attacks and feel like I’m grieving the loss of my daughter. Whilst he has the support of many friends and psychologists I feel totally alone as my family and friends dont understand or support this. I would do anything for my child, but this pain is so unbearable. I have an appointment with a gender psychologist next week and am wondering if I should go alone or take him with me? Am I a bad parent for feeling like this? I have so many emotions. Sadness, anger, fear of rejection, shame, but one thing I do feel is the absolute love of my child. I want to protect him and help but I dont know how. I feel awkward talking to him and avoid using his preferred name as it feels so unnatural. Did anyone else feel like this? Does it get better? I’ve researched and read everything I can on transgender but I honestly saw no warning signs of the way he felt. I feel like I keep having all these bombs dropped on me and now I feel myself shutting down. I’m so scared I wont get this right and will lose him. So I stay quiet so I dont say the wrong thing. I just want my child to be happy. I love this kid with all my heart. He is my life. So I’m reaching out to anyone who can help me to help him transition. How do you tell everyone you no longer have a daughter but a son? People here are not kind or understanding of anyone with differences. I’m desperate for help. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Tanya
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Tanya,
I just wrote you back and wordpress seems to have deleted my multi-paragraph comment. I will try to reconstruct what I wrote.
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Hi there. I am so glad that you are writing. It is Saturday morning here in the U.S. (I am in Michigan). I saw the comment pop-up on my phone.
Take a deep breath. You love your child and that is the most important thing. Unfortunately, as parents, we are often programmed to hide our feelings or just show the happy ones regarding our children. When my son came out to us (ftm) there were times when I felt sad – I didn’t try to hide that from him necessarily. I told him that he was our daughter for 14 years and it was going to take some getting used to…I was apologizing ahead of time for the slip ups that I knew would occur with name or pronouns. Even now, every once in a while I slip. And, let me tell you, trying to say the new name initially felt like I was talking with a mouth full of marbles. It gets easier. I promise. Before, my son was difficult, angry, moody, oppositional — now he is more confident, easier to get along with, loving — a different kid. We have taken our cues from him but gone at our own pace. We always told him he had our support. For those in your community that aren’t accepting of differences – would they shun a child with a learning disability? a child with down’s syndrome? someone in a wheelchair? If the answer is YES then you will have to each your child about tolerance and how to associate with people who are supportive and will love him for who he is not for some pre-defined notion of who people think he should be. More and more individuals are coming out as transgender because they can. The awareness and advocacy is growing. We do have a long way to go.
Are your son’s friends going to the same school? That will be really helpful if they are. Are you able to speak to the school social worker, principal, etc? They need to be your son’s allies. Go see the gender therapist alone and with your son. Give him the confidence to be who he is meant to me.
Feel free to email me if that is easier: rozgkeith@gmail.com
As far as telling everyone that you now have a son, I would say this: you don’t have to “tell everyone or anyone…” In time, the people that need to know will know. They way I told some of my closest friends was to start out by saying that my daughter wanted a new name. Then, that opened the door to explain the situation. Remember, though, you don’t owe anyone an explanation. You only owe your son unconditional love. So if someone say to you, “hi, how is Jane?” You can just say “fine” and keep going or depending on your relationship, you can say, “well, Jane is now going by Joe.” End of story. Keep your head up. This is not something to feel shameful about or embarrassed. I hope this is helpful in some way. Tanya, I am here…please let me know how you are doing — shoot me an email. If you are on FB there are some good resources there, too. xo Roz
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Hey My real name is Salma and i’m 12 . I so diffrent then other children . I’m born in a girl body , i’m transgender and i feel i’m born in the wrong body . I hate girly things i hate dolls and all what girls like and i love what boys like . I have crap life . Yesterday i have known what transgender means and i knwd i’m one of them and i’m sure i’ll FTM when i’ll grow . I want to meet people in my same age and talk with them . But bad luck , i live in morocco … :c i just wish to live in other country at less having transgender freinds….
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And i have one to support me i told 2 girls and they said i’m crazy . I have no one who support me and i live in crap . I hate myself cuz i’m a female … I can never deal with that ….
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HI. Thank you for writing to me. Would you like me to call you Alex or Salma? You know, there are transgender people all over the world. You are not alone. Do you have any siblings? What are your parents like? Are they understanding, open-minded people? Sometimes, a school teacher or counselor can be of great help and support.
Would you like me to help? I can try to find some resources for you where you live. Also, if you can talk to your mom or dad, you can direct them to me…I have helped my FtM son transition as a teen. Another thing is that there are puberty blockers that can delay going through puberty so you can figure things out. This is reversible. Since I don’t know what kind of support you might have it’s hard to advise you.
I am here to chat and help in whatever way I can. Please don’t do anything to harm yourself. There are resources out there no matter where you live. Please let me know how I can help. xo Roz
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I would love to become an ally mom. My son is now 30 and live in sf bay area! I live in new jersey . Never once did I do anything but love and support my sons transition ! I know these kids are special and different in a most beautiful way! They are pioneers in what can be a harsh judgmental cruel world ! How do I add my name and number to the list?
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Thank you. I just sent you an email to the gmail address above. Roz
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I’m 14 and I think i may be transgender. I was born a male but feel like a female. I often imagine myself as a girl and think about what clothes I would wear and things like that. I get this happy feeling from thinking about it. I haven’t told my parents yet but plan to. This is the first time I’ve said anything about it other than to myself. I’m thinking of telling my mum by way of a letter since I’m so nervous at talking about personal things face-to-face. Would that be a good idea?
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Hi. A letter could be a good way of telling your mom. Perhaps you write it and then read it to her. Tell her just what you told me in the note.
By the way, are you in the U.K.? If so, we do have an Ally Mom in the U.K. that you are welcome to contact. Or, you can contact anyone on the list.
I am so glad that you wrote to me. If there is anything else I can do to help you or guide you, please let me know.
Best of luck to you,
Roz (Hunter’s mom)
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It just feels good to tell someone how you feel about your gender rather than bottling it in for ages. Thank you for replying, I think this site is great.
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Aw–glad I could be here for you.
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How do I become an Ally Mom? I’m interested.
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Maria,
Thank you so much. Please email me. rozgkeith@gmail.com
I will talk to you via email. Include a bit about your “story” in the note. Thanks.
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Dear Donna,
I’m on the Ally Mom’s list and would be glad to visit with you. I’m usually available after 6:30 pm Central time during the week. I promise it will get easier.
Angela
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How can I become an ally mom?
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Hi,
My names Ehren and i’m transgender ftm. I recently came out to my parents and they are both accepting but they said I couldn’t get on testosterone because i’m 16 and my bodies not developed all the way. They said I can get on it when i’m 18. Now I know you don’t have to get on testosterone to identify as a male but I want to. I also want to be on T before my highschool prom because sadly I am pretty petite person and T can help me bulk up to have that masculine look. My question is that do I really need to be 18 to be on T or are my parents wrong? They also think that I can’t handle the pressure of being different at school but in truth it’s killing me more being treated like a girl by my peers rather than someone staring and thinking its weird I had become a guy. I want to be on T as fast as I can but is what my parents say true, does my body have to be fully developed.
They both mean well but it feels like they’re sheltering me from judgement when they should just throw me into the flames. There will always be people to put me down or think i’m strange but it doesn’t matter because they’re smarter people out there.
Well I hope someone can answer my question and i’m not even sure if I posted in the right place but any replies will be really helpful.
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Hi, Ehren.
Thanks for writing. You don’t say where you live and sometimes that can affect medical treatment. However, in general you don’t have to be 18 (to my knowledge). You need to start seeing a therapist. In my experience, a doctor won’t prescribe hormones for a minor without a therapist’s endorsement. It is an important process that you need to start with. It could take a year to get to that point with a therapist. Will your parents allow you to get a binder and dress as a guy? If they say yes to those things that will help immensely. The research supports that kids who come out and are supported are bullied less and have fewer issues than kids who are bullied for being different and they are living a secret life.
If your parents are supportive that’s a huge first step. My blog posts may be very helpful to them. Perhaps you can share the callhimhunter blog and story. Hunter is 16 and ftm. He came out at 14 and is doing great. But, we insisted that he do things properly — therapist, medical doctor, endocrinologist, etc. It’s important to go through the right steps…especially when starting on hormones.
And, you can bulk up on “T” but remember, there are no guarantees. You can start a work out routine with weight training to begin to change the way you look. Clothing makes a difference in appearance also.
I hope this is helpful in some way. Let me know what your parents say. The first step is finding a good therapist that understands gender identity issues.
Best of luck,
Roz
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Hi,
So first off I live in McKinney, Texas and I am going to be 16 but right now life has been very hard. All through out when I was a kid I always felt a little bit of discomfort with being a guy but as I got older it got worse. It gets harder to hide the impulses to be a girl like I want to wear dresses and makeup or I almost tell people no don’t call me a he but I have to catch myself because I know if I say something I will somehow get back to my parents who are super religious. At about the time I started puberty things got worse I hated the changes and I even thought of suicide multiple times. And after that my dad “influenced” me to stop playing soccer and to play football in high school which I do not find any interest in playing football. I loved playing soccer and still want too. But when I started playing football I had to change in the guys locker room but I was very uncomfortable changing in front of other men I didn’t feel like I belong in there so I would always go and change in the bathroom. Also what I hate the most is that most of my friends are close with my parents to were if I say something it will somehow come out and my parents would find out, but I am scared of what they might do or say. So if someone could please reply that would be great. Thank you
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Hi. Would you like to text with someone who has experience with a mtf child?
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I would but I don’t know what to say in the text really or how to start it o looked at the thing and got someone’s number from the list that loves in Texas but I said to use the phrase “Ally Mom” I am just confused on how to integrate that into my text.
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All you have to say is Ally Moms first — this way whoever gets the call will know since they won’t recognize the number. Let me see if someone is available to at least reply here in the comments.
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Pingback: Coming Out to Your Parents as Trans - Dara Hoffman-Fox
I am a 63 year old trans woman who finally came out last year. I have been doing some volunteer work with a local trans youth group and I am overjoyed to see the support the children are receiving from their parents. They, and you, are the epitome of loving and caring parents. Thank you for being there for your children and for reaching out to give hope to others. It’s not an easy life they face but with support from people like you it can be a fulfilling one.
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Wow. That took a lot of courage to come out at this stage. I applaud you. We have been supportive for our son and others like him because we see that being trans is not a choice but an opportunity to live your authentic self. Kids need as much acceptance as possible so they can hold up their heads and not feel ashamed. Good luck to you on your journey. Roz
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Hi! Could I add my name to the list? I am the mother of a 7 year old child- ftm in Canada
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Emilie,
If you email me I will send you the information to become an Ally Mom. roz@standwithtrans.org
Thanks,
Roz
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Hi!! I’m a mom of a trans teenager and would love to join your list. How do I go about doing that? Thank you for doing this!! ❤
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Hi. If you email me I will send you the info for applying to become an ally mom. roz@standwithtrans.org
Thanks,
Roz
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