Category Archives: Gender identity

The Hard Choice: Supporting Your Transgender Child

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transgender symbol and flag

I was invited to be a guest blogger by Dara Hoffman Fox. She is a gender therapist and runs a site called Conversations with a Gender Therapist.

Here is the link to the blog that appeared on her site.

http://darahoffmanfox.com/parent-of-a-trans-teen/

A while back I wrote another post on the concept of choice also. Remember, please, that we don’t choose our sexual orientation, gender identity or eye color. We do choose how accepting we are. We choose whether to support our children. As a parent, I cannot imagine not being there for my child, regardless of who they love, how they dress or what gender they affirm.

I look forward to hearing from other parents of transgender individuals. How are you coping and handling things in your world?

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“T” Time

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No, I am not talking about watercress finger sandwiches, scones with clotted cream and a steaming pot of Earl Gray. Nor am I thinking about a round of golf here in Michigan or anywhere else.

I am referring to testosterone; “T” as it is familiarly referred to by those transitioning from female to male. “T” is what will deepen the voice, encourage facial hair to grow and build muscle mass. It is the magic elixir that will help to transform a trans boy into a man.

hunter 3For two plus years our son has anticipated this moment. After coming out to me as transgender (female to male) more than a year and a half ago, one of the first things he said was, “I want to go on T.” At that moment, life came to a screeching halt. There was so much I didn’t know, didn’t understand, didn’t want to hear. Hunter had been doing research; he did all his homework and knew exactly what he wanted.

Yesterday was a big day. Yesterday, Hunter, my husband and I drove together to DMC Children’s Specialty Clinic and rode the elevator in anticipation to the Pediatric Endocrinology department housed on the third floor. Long-term, injections will be given by us, at home, on a weekly basis. The first time, however, is a required teaching session with our endocrine nurse.

Over the last few months, I’ve had numerous conversations with two of the nurses. They have been immensely helpful, kind and understanding through some very frustrating situations. I felt like they were trusted friends. While waiting for our “lesson,” the exam room door opened and in walked both nurses. They, too, felt a connection to us and to our journey.

“We just couldn’t wait to meet you,” they exclaimed, practically in unison, as if they’d rehearsed.

We’ve had so many hurdles to get past in order to get to this day, it really was especially meaningful that the nurses were there to cheer us on. And then it was down to business. I think we were attentive students; I know that I, for one, didn’t want to miss a single moment of the instruction — this was not a time to lose focus.

By the time we left, we had truly bonded with our nurse. We knew that she was a wife, a mother, a daughter and a breast cancer survivor. We knew that she cared deeply about her job and the children that she’s able to help every day. We knew that we had made a new friend.

So, here we are. Our journey — Hunter’s journey, has taken a new path. I have been very comfortable with where we were; perhaps, a bit too comfortable. Honestly, I am not sure that I am prepared for the road ahead of us. When will his voice start to change? What will it sound like? When will I feel stubble rather than a soft, smooth baby face? What will it be like for Hunter to go through puberty (again)?

We are hoping to document our weekly “T” times so we can track Hunter’s transition during this part of the journey. I am optimistic that at some point, down the road, I will once again feel comfortable with where we are.

 

 

 

 

Victory

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victoryAside from learning about things that I never dreamed I would be researching, I am learning a lot about the “loophole.” Nearly a year ago Hunter asked that we start calling him “Hunter,” rather than “Olivia.” While I choked on the name (I could hear it in my head) as it moved from tongue to my lips, we were committed to doing what was necessary for our son.

What I didn’t really think about was what would come next. When my friend (in a similar situation but about 6 months ahead of us on most fronts) announced that she went to court with her son and now he was legally “Jack,” I found my self in the midst of conflicting emotions. These kids are so young; a legal name change just felt so FINAL. And yet, somehow I was envious of how she took charge and did what she needed to do as a parent of a child who was transitioning from female to male.

We spent nearly an entire school year getting used to the new name. Little by little we expanded our vocabulary until we were using only male pronouns in lieu of the female ones that we had grown accustomed to. Summer came and with it greater acceptance and more knowledge. It was time to apply for a legal name change. It was important that Hunter begin the new school year “officially” as Hunter. We didn’t want any mistakes. It would’ve been devastating for him to sit in a class on the first day and have a teacher take attendance and look for or call out “Olivia.”

So, I filled out the paperwork and waited. Hunter was at camp and I wanted him to sign the documents. Not only did I want him to be a part of the process but I wanted him to tell me that he was 100% sure about the name. Admittedly, there was a tiny part of me that was hanging on to the familiar; I was not quite ready and it was easy to find a reason to wait.

You would have no idea how complicated this entire process is. Legal name change at the state level. Birth certificate legal name change at the state level in which one was born. Gender marker changed on birth certificate. WHOA. Not so fast…this too, is at the state level and every state has it’s own law about changing the gender marker. I went into a tail spin. What good was the name change if Hunter’s birth certificate still indicated that he was female??? According to the state of Florida (where he was born), in order to legally change the gender marker, one needs to submit an affidavit from the physician stating that gender reassignment surgery has occurred. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Many transgender individuals never have surgery for various reasons. This was crazy and unacceptable.

I reached out to a number of people and organizations (including legal teams) within my network to see if there was a way around this. Hunter was about to start driver’s ed – I had been told that once you get a permit or license it is nearly impossible to change the gender marker on the document.

Facebook at its finest … another mom, who just went through the exact same scenario, was a wealth of information.

LOOPHOLE.

The federal government, not too long ago, changed its policies regarding passports and gender markers. Too good to be true. All we needed was a letter from the doctor stating that Hunter was in the process of transitioning along with the legal name change document from the court. In addition, while the social security administration doesn’t put a gender on the card, they track it for employment purposes. So, the passport and social security card (with new name) become the legal documents in place of the birth certificate.

VICTORY… until the next hurdle.

An apology

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mother's role mother's loveA while back I made a statement that I felt very sure of. Today I am retracting my statement and offering an apology. When my son told me he was transgender (FTM), I was surprised to hear those words spoken by him. However, I wasn’t shocked. There had been little signs all along and more recently, lots of signals – like cutting off his hair and asking to shop in the boys’ department. As we stepped off the starting block and inched along on our journey I began to meet parents who told me they were SHOCKED by their child’s confession.

“How could that be?” I wondered. Surely, when one reflects back and starts put together all those little pieces, signs, and nagging intuitions, the result is one big message; a billboard of sorts, screaming “how could you have missed this?”

I have always believed that if a parent is tuned in to their children they would never miss something so important.

The other day I had the privilege of talking with a woman who just found out that her daughter wants to be male. Her “girlie, long-haired, pink skirt-wearing” child can no longer live in secret. Anna* was SHOCKED. Listening to her anguished, desperate account of the prior week, where her daughter spent several days in the psychiatric unit on suicide watch, I knew I had been wrong. There had been no signs.
Now, Anna did tell me that her daughter has suffered from depression since an early age. Perhaps this was the red warning flag. Tatum* didn’t have the words or understanding or ability to articulate what was going on. Most likely, the root of her depression was that she was assigned the wrong gender at birth. Her vocabulary didn’t include the word “transgender.”

As a side note, one of the reasons we chose to tell our story publicly was to be a resource for others. It was our hope that by coming forward in our community, at least one family would be helped. Anna told me that while in the hospital, Tatum asked to read Hunter’s story. Never having met us, Anna had no idea how Tatum even knew about Hunter or the recent article that ran in the Detroit Jewish News. Not having their own subscription, they googled the story and were able to print it out, delivering words to their daughter that would bring a source of comfort and hope.

After spending quite a bit of time speaking to Anna, I realized that it is possible to be caught entirely off guard. It is possible to love your child so much that you become deaf and blind to anything that is a bit “off.” We often think, “they march to their own drum,” or “they just aren’t that social,” or any other phrases that make allowances for our children’s differences.

So, I am sorry. I am sorry for making a judgment and pretending to know what goes on in another family. We do the best we can to love and provide and nurture and educate. As parents, we learn as we go. We don’t always have all the answers. As friends and community members we need to reach out and support each other, sharing the knowledge we do have so we can raise stronger families.

*names have been changed to protect the privacy of this family

In a different place

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Hunter

When I take the time to think back, I am startled into the realization that a mere eighteen months ago I was in a very different place. Our family was in a different place.

Somehow I’ve managed to brush aside the memories of that overwhelming urge to google every iteration of gender identity disorder that I could come up with. Simultaneous to this desperate search for knowledge, my husband wrestled with the possibility that this was a phase; many adolescents go through an exploration stage, he insisted.

Deep down, I knew he was wrong. I knew this was not a phase. I knew that our child was clear headed in his convictions. This was about much more than shopping in the boys’ department. CONFESSION. Though I was avoiding the inevitable–what I knew down to the core of every fiber of my being, I was seeking out a therapist — not just any therapist. We (Richard and me) wanted someone that would act as “Switzerland.”  FEAR. We were desperately afraid that the wrong therapist would polarize the situation rather that remain neutral. We were terrified, really, that if we chose poorly, the outcome would be devastating.

At this point we are “pre” everything; pre-male pronouns, pre-name change, pre-purging of all things girlie, pre-public awareness, pre-full understanding. When Olivia* initially asked to buy a chest binder I put her off. When I found the remnants of clothing layers shed before bedtime the previous night, my heart began to break. Sports bras, t-shirts and a home-made device looking something like a prototype of a strapless chest binder, heaped onto the floor taunting me to LOOK at what my child was going through. Then, upon discovering that Olivia took it upon herself to order a binder and have it shipped to a friend’s house, a strange mix of tangled emotions reared up at me.

It’s one thing to say, “OK. We accept you. We are with you. We support you.” It’s another to actually feel comfortable with a shift in mindset. I completely understood that my child, my DAUGHTER, wanted to look male. I understood that in order to look male, breasts needed to be camouflaged. What I couldn’t wrap my head around was the use of a binder. I read all the articles that said compressing breast tissue was “harmful, could cause cancer, might cause shortness of breath, and so on.”

It was strange to log on to my computer and see google and amazon searches for chest binders available in a variety of colors, styles and sizes sold by Chinese companies that guaranteed discreet delivery. Hunter was hopefully searching for solutions that would aid his transition and help him “pass” as male when out in public. This garment became a lifeline.

I’ve gotten pretty comfortable with the place we are in. We’ve come a long way over the last year and a half. That’s the good news. The downside is that this is just a temporary stop along the way.  Every so often, I need to remind myself that over the next eighteen months we will be in a very different place than we are in right now. I am not really ready nor prepared for moving on in our journey. I know that moving on means letting go of what has become familiar and comfortable. I am not really ready for the unknown.

 

*Olivia is “pre” name transition

One step forward, two steps back

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oakland county name change petitionSince I haven’t written much since last week’s story broke, I wanted to share a couple of thoughts.

First of all, THANK YOU! THANK YOU! to everyone who called, texted, commented and wrote to share their support. To my friend, Ronelle Grier, who wrote an incredible article, beautifully capturing our journey, thank you. To the Detroit Jewish News for allowing the story to grace its cover, thank you.

By the way, the story appeared on July 31, and Hunter arrived home, after being at camp for six weeks, on August 1. This definitely added to the excitement of the homecoming.

On the heels of our story going public, we received an official court date to change Hunter’s name. In about a month, Olivia Lauren will forever more be known as Hunter Jordan. Once that is final, we can change his name on the social security card, the birth certificate and passport. Since he is not yet driving, we don’t have to worry about changing the license.

Now here is the “salt on the wound” piece. While changing one’s name is just some paperwork and a little money, changing one’s gender marker gets trickier. Many states require an affidavit from a qualified physician indicating that the individual has undergone sex reassignment surgery (SRS). Not every transgender person has surgery but still identifies with and presents as a gender other than what was assigned at birth.

Hunter was born in Florida and that is the law there (and Michigan, too). It doesn’t matter where you live. In order to change your birth certificate you have to abide by the state in which you were born. the good news is that to change your gender on a passport, you just need to show proof of hormone therapy and the name change. My guess is that I don’t have these facts exactly right on the passport process but when we get there I will report with 100% accuracy.

Here is a list of state-by-state guidelines from Lambda Legal for anyone who is interested.

As a side note, we recognize how very lucky we are to have so much support and to live in a community that is so accepting. There are many individuals around the globe who are not nearly as fortunate. Whether an adult is coming out and faces losing his/her children and spouse or a teen who is fearful to share his true feelings with his parents, many are struggling. My heart goes out to all of them. Each day I wish for a more tolerant global society. We would all benefit greatly.

 

Call him Hunter

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It is my pleasure to share today’s post with you. The story is written by my friend Ronelle Grier. The article appears in this week’s Detroit Jewish News on the cover. A must read. Thank you to Ronelle Grier for writing this and Keri Cohen, Story Development Editor at the Detroit Jewish News for publishing this. Read the entire story here. Detroit Jewish News Call Him Hunter

Enchanted Photography by Marla Michele Must

Enchanted Photography by Marla Michele Must

No Choice, Pro Choice

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hunter transgenderYou’ve probably heard the saying, “you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your relatives.” These words are so very true.

What other choices do we have in life? Well, depending on where you live, you can choose to practice your religion. You can choose whom to vote for, what to wear, whether to be in a relationship, what to have for breakfast, lunch or dinner, where to go on vacation, whom to call when you’re down, lonely, want to party or just want to hang, ….and so on. Ideally, you can choose to get married (or not), decide to have a family, what kind of car to drive, where to go to school and whether to pursue a hobby, new career path or travel the world.

Did you know that we DON’T choose our gender or sexual orientation? We cannot make someone gay anymore than we can make them straight. Transgender individuals are born already hard-wired. All we know at birth is what we can physically see. The doctor pronounces “it’s a girl (or boy)” based on whether the baby has a vagina or a penis, nothing more. Guess what? It’s really the brain that lets us know whether we are male or female. Most of the time, the brain is on the same page as the physical sex characteristics. However, for a trans individual, whether MTF or FTM, the brain and the body are in two different places (figuratively speaking, of course).

It really is not something we are used to. That doesn’t mean that we can’t accept what is. Believe me, NO ONE would choose to be transgender.

Do you have any idea what trans girls and trans guys go through? Do you have any inkling what it’s like to feel so much like a boy and then look in the mirror and see girl body parts? Can you imagine that? I sure can’t. Do you comprehend the self-hatred that a trans woman experiences when she just wants to feel pretty and feminine and sees a man’s body; a body with a pronounced adam’s apple, a beard, male genitalia and a flat, hairy chest? Me, neither.

Body dysphoria leads to serious depression and ongoing mental health issues. Who would choose this? Keep in mind that this is very different than not liking the way you look in a bathing suit, ladies.

As a parent, I want my son to experience emotional stability. I want him to look in the mirror and see a light at the end of the tunnel. I want him to know that I understand that this is not a choice.

We CAN choose to be accepting. As parents we can choose to find the right resources for our children. There are parents out there who believe that being transgender is a sickness akin to mental illness. They believe that being transgender is against the bible. Some even believe that being anything but heterosexual is as bad as being a sexual predator or pedophile. REALLY?

Showing compassion is a choice.

We are some of the lucky ones. Recently I’ve read numerous stories about trans individuals who have lost their families, friends, jobs, and social circle because they came out. REALLY? I am grateful beyond words that we have been met with acceptance and understanding and compassion and love.

Being transgender is no more a choice than one’s race or ethnicity. My son can choose how he presents himself. Together, we can choose the path for our journey.

Resource:

When Genitalia Doesn’t Define Gender

Born in the wrong body

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When you think about the incredible, miraculous outcome from two people coming together — that perfect tiny specimen of a human being, it is truly remarkable that more often than not everything goes exactly as it should. When you think about all the things that have to go just exactly right versus the opportunity for things to go horribly wrong, it is awe-inspiring. Cells divide and multiply millions of times to create our likenesses in miniature form.transgender FTMAs we know, there are times when the chromosomes collide and stuff goes awry. There are numerous birth defects, genetic abnormalities, physical deformities, cognitive impairments and more. And sometimes, individuals are just born into the wrong body.

I was recently asked if I had some advice for parents who want to have an open dialogue with their children about transgenderism. How do you explain the idea that a classmate who just happens to have female parts, is really a boy? It was an interesting question for me. Up until now all the feedback through the lens of kids and teens has been accepting, understanding and non-questioning.

The idea that gender is between the ears, not between the legs, is a succinct way to explain how a transgender individual can identify as male or female even though their parts don’t match up. Sometimes, we are just born into the wrong body. Being a man or a woman is NOT solely identified because of physicality.

So what if that explanation doesn’t help clarify? Well, sometimes your biological sex (if you have a penis or a vagina) doesn’t align with your gender identity (whether you feel male or female). Even if you don’t fully understand this, I hope you can agree that it is important to accept and acknowledge that we don’t live in a binary world. Being a man or a woman is not so black and white.

There are some who most likely would argue that it is less about being born into the wrong body and more about how we feel versus how we physically look. For sure, this is complicated. Actually, I’ve struggled for days trying to write something that would make sense and not sound like I was spitting out a bunch of trans propaganda.

I’ve joined a couple of transgender Facebook groups as a way to connect with other parents of trans children and as an honest, authentic way to hear from a community that I really know very little about. Here are a few things I’ve learned.

Trans men and women want to be accepted for who they are. They want to be loved. They want to love. They want friends and family connections. They don’t want their choices questioned. They want privacy.

It is not okay to ask about body parts. So, if you meet a guy (FTM) and want to know about his journey, there are lots of questions that you can ask. However, do NOT ask about his body  parts. That is private. Would you want someone to ask you about your parts? Do not ask an adult trans man or woman about their sex life. Do you want people to get all up in your business about how you “do it?”

Here are a couple of links that I hope you find interesting, informative and helpful.

Transgender allies

Complexities of gender

Keep in mind, that just as you would teach your child about someone with a physical disability, a cognitive deficit or a chronic disease, you should teach your child about gender differences. Embrace diversity.

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My Avatar is a Boy

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One of the most fun things about getting a Wii was the ability to create a personalized Mii. Mine had glasses and dark hair, Danielle’s had big girly lashes and a cute, pink outfit, Richard’s sported jeans and a t-shirt, and Olivia’s — well, Olivia’s Mii was a guy. Hmmm.

boy avatarWhen the “girls” were little one of the high end department stores had a Newborn Nursery Boutique where one could adopt a doll baby and buy newborn-sized doll outfits. It was the sweetest place. You viewed the “babies” through the nursery window and selected the one you wanted to adopt. Then, the nurse brought your baby to the changing table, diapered, powdered and dressed her and handed the precious life-like doll over to the new mommy. Somewhere, we have pictures of Danielle rocking her baby before we left the nursery. Of course, adoption papers were part of the package. This baby was a girl and was aptly named and dressed. It wasn’t long before Olivia wanted one too.

So, off we went to the Newborn Nursery Boutique to adopt another baby. Olivia chose a newborn that looked more like a boy baby and gave him a boy name. Of course, all the outfits were more boy-ish in style. Hmmm.

Simms has been a popular video game in our house for years. Both kids loved to create fictional families, build neighborhoods and villages and experience an imaginary world without much risk. I am sure by now you’ve guessed that Olivia’s main character was a pretty buff looking dude. Hmmm.

I am a creature of habit. When we go to the mall, I always park in the same lot and enter through the same store. It’s my comfort zone. I know where I am going and how to get around. (This is my mother’s influence.) So, time after time, we walked through the children’s department in Lord & Taylor as we made our way to the mall’s center court. I love this department. They had and still do have the best little girls’ clothes. Their buyer does a fantastic job. From dresses to leggings to itty-bitty newborn frilly diaper covers, it is a happy place for me. Every time we walked into the store, Olivia would stop and longing look at the little outfits…the little boy vests and suits and play clothes. She would say to me, “I love the tiny vests. Look how cute they are.” Hmmm.

My kids played with Barbie dolls. They had blond ones, dark-skinned ones, long haired ones, beach Barbie, professional Barbie, “mommy” Barbie and Ken Barbie, among others. Guess who wanted the Ken doll. Hmmm.

Looking back, I clearly see that Hunter began living vicariously through his Avatars and world of make-believe from a very early age. Hmmm.