Tag Archives: transgender

One step forward, two steps back

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oakland county name change petitionSince I haven’t written much since last week’s story broke, I wanted to share a couple of thoughts.

First of all, THANK YOU! THANK YOU! to everyone who called, texted, commented and wrote to share their support. To my friend, Ronelle Grier, who wrote an incredible article, beautifully capturing our journey, thank you. To the Detroit Jewish News for allowing the story to grace its cover, thank you.

By the way, the story appeared on July 31, and Hunter arrived home, after being at camp for six weeks, on August 1. This definitely added to the excitement of the homecoming.

On the heels of our story going public, we received an official court date to change Hunter’s name. In about a month, Olivia Lauren will forever more be known as Hunter Jordan. Once that is final, we can change his name on the social security card, the birth certificate and passport. Since he is not yet driving, we don’t have to worry about changing the license.

Now here is the “salt on the wound” piece. While changing one’s name is just some paperwork and a little money, changing one’s gender marker gets trickier. Many states require an affidavit from a qualified physician indicating that the individual has undergone sex reassignment surgery (SRS). Not every transgender person has surgery but still identifies with and presents as a gender other than what was assigned at birth.

Hunter was born in Florida and that is the law there (and Michigan, too). It doesn’t matter where you live. In order to change your birth certificate you have to abide by the state in which you were born. the good news is that to change your gender on a passport, you just need to show proof of hormone therapy and the name change. My guess is that I don’t have these facts exactly right on the passport process but when we get there I will report with 100% accuracy.

Here is a list of state-by-state guidelines from Lambda Legal for anyone who is interested.

As a side note, we recognize how very lucky we are to have so much support and to live in a community that is so accepting. There are many individuals around the globe who are not nearly as fortunate. Whether an adult is coming out and faces losing his/her children and spouse or a teen who is fearful to share his true feelings with his parents, many are struggling. My heart goes out to all of them. Each day I wish for a more tolerant global society. We would all benefit greatly.

 

Call him Hunter

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It is my pleasure to share today’s post with you. The story is written by my friend Ronelle Grier. The article appears in this week’s Detroit Jewish News on the cover. A must read. Thank you to Ronelle Grier for writing this and Keri Cohen, Story Development Editor at the Detroit Jewish News for publishing this. Read the entire story here. Detroit Jewish News Call Him Hunter

Enchanted Photography by Marla Michele Must

Enchanted Photography by Marla Michele Must

No Choice, Pro Choice

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hunter transgenderYou’ve probably heard the saying, “you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your relatives.” These words are so very true.

What other choices do we have in life? Well, depending on where you live, you can choose to practice your religion. You can choose whom to vote for, what to wear, whether to be in a relationship, what to have for breakfast, lunch or dinner, where to go on vacation, whom to call when you’re down, lonely, want to party or just want to hang, ….and so on. Ideally, you can choose to get married (or not), decide to have a family, what kind of car to drive, where to go to school and whether to pursue a hobby, new career path or travel the world.

Did you know that we DON’T choose our gender or sexual orientation? We cannot make someone gay anymore than we can make them straight. Transgender individuals are born already hard-wired. All we know at birth is what we can physically see. The doctor pronounces “it’s a girl (or boy)” based on whether the baby has a vagina or a penis, nothing more. Guess what? It’s really the brain that lets us know whether we are male or female. Most of the time, the brain is on the same page as the physical sex characteristics. However, for a trans individual, whether MTF or FTM, the brain and the body are in two different places (figuratively speaking, of course).

It really is not something we are used to. That doesn’t mean that we can’t accept what is. Believe me, NO ONE would choose to be transgender.

Do you have any idea what trans girls and trans guys go through? Do you have any inkling what it’s like to feel so much like a boy and then look in the mirror and see girl body parts? Can you imagine that? I sure can’t. Do you comprehend the self-hatred that a trans woman experiences when she just wants to feel pretty and feminine and sees a man’s body; a body with a pronounced adam’s apple, a beard, male genitalia and a flat, hairy chest? Me, neither.

Body dysphoria leads to serious depression and ongoing mental health issues. Who would choose this? Keep in mind that this is very different than not liking the way you look in a bathing suit, ladies.

As a parent, I want my son to experience emotional stability. I want him to look in the mirror and see a light at the end of the tunnel. I want him to know that I understand that this is not a choice.

We CAN choose to be accepting. As parents we can choose to find the right resources for our children. There are parents out there who believe that being transgender is a sickness akin to mental illness. They believe that being transgender is against the bible. Some even believe that being anything but heterosexual is as bad as being a sexual predator or pedophile. REALLY?

Showing compassion is a choice.

We are some of the lucky ones. Recently I’ve read numerous stories about trans individuals who have lost their families, friends, jobs, and social circle because they came out. REALLY? I am grateful beyond words that we have been met with acceptance and understanding and compassion and love.

Being transgender is no more a choice than one’s race or ethnicity. My son can choose how he presents himself. Together, we can choose the path for our journey.

Resource:

When Genitalia Doesn’t Define Gender

What’s in a name?

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Baby namesBefore our babies arrive most of us agonize, argue, assess, and advocate for the potential name options for this unborn child. No one wants to sentence their child to a lifetime of teasing (at least not intentionally) because they deemed it important to preserve some centuries old family name.

Will this child be a junior? Is there an easy nickname? If you follow Jewish tradition you’ll most likely select a name to honor the memory of a loved one. Then, there’s the Hebrew name to consider. Girl’s name or boy’s name? Modern or biblical? New age or traditional? And, if you are smart, you won’t share or ask your family or friends to weigh in. One thing is for certain, your child will not have a say. When he or she arrives the appropriate name is given; the birth certificate authenticates your choice from that moment forward.

Never did we imagine that our carefully chosen names would not be suitable for the long haul. Forever after came to a screeching halt when Olivia came home last summer from camp as Steven. Steven. WHAT? As the story unfolded, we understood that what started out as a camp joke soon became a sought after reality. Olivia loved being identified as male and the new moniker was a perfect way for her to try on being a guy.

Admittedly, I wasn’t thrilled with the name or the male identifier. Bottom line — I just wasn’t ready. I knew we were on borrowed time and at some point, in the not to distant future, we would be asked to stop calling our daughter Olivia. I just wasn’t ready.

I will tell you that I did think about new names. Even though I wasn’t ready to discuss it openly, I began to allow the thought process to germinate. One of the hardest parts of losing a name that we were all so accustomed to is that we had nick names for Olivia that represented our love and affection. Liv, Livvy, Liv-Liv, Livvy-Lou, and Lou-Lou were the most common. Old habits are hard to break.

Finally the day I had been anticipating with trepidation arrived. “Mom, can we talk about names?” So I put on my warm, accepting, I will always love you smile, and responded, “of course. What did you have in mind?”

“Well, I really like the name Luke,” offered Olivia. For a number of reasons, which I won’t get into here, I didn’t feel that Luke was an appropriate choice.

When we decided on the names Olivia Lauren, we felt they were a combination of beauty and tradition. Richard and I agreed easily on this decision. We were thrilled to be welcoming another child into our family and had no reservations about the name selection. As an aside, we were not naming Olivia after any one in our family who had passed.

In the Jewish tradition, often a baby girl will have a “naming” ceremony. She is given special blessings by a Rabbi and the Hebrew name is conferred.

We’ll, we didn’t do this “baby” naming until Olivia was five years old. My Uncle Harold had recently passed away so we thought it appropriate to find a Hebrew name that was suitable for our precious child that honored his memory. Using the “h” sound we found a beautiful name; Olivia’s chosen Hebrew name was Hila.

Why did I just tell you all this? It sets the stage for how we arrived at Hunter. Some transgender individuals take their given name at birth and use a nickname or something similar for their “new” name. Olivia didn’t want to do this. I thought that rather than a random name selection we find something with meaning.

I reminded Olivia about the connection to family that her Hebrew name shared and she was onboard with trying to find an “h” name.

Thank you Google. I searched for boy names that began with the letter “h”.

Hunter. It was simple, masculine, easy to spell and pronounce and sounded perfect with our last name.

We also chose a middle name that was exceptionally meaningful to us all. That’s another story and you’ll just have to wait.

First time for everything

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birthday to my sonI will never forget the day I was rifling through the pile of mail and there was a letter addressed to Hunter. WOW. This was his first official piece of mail. If you had asked me ahead of time how seeing his name in print would make me feel, I probably would’ve responded squeamishly. Honestly, just the idea of it is rather weird. However, I didn’t feel weird at all. I felt really excited. Somehow, having your name on an envelope that traveled through the US Postal system makes it real and official. Of course, I had to point out to Hunter that this was his first official piece of mail. Like any teenager, I got the head nod and shoulder shrug all in one gesture. For me, mom of a transgender teen boy, the event was noteworthy.

It took awhile for me to feel comfortable using male pronouns when referring to Hunter. Like others before me, I just avoided using he/his/him. It was “Hunter” will be home soon. Or, “Hunter” will be glad to see you…and so on. Slowly, little by little, I began to integrate the new vocabulary into my daily speak. I knew I had turned a corner when I went birthday card shopping. There I was, standing at the “Happy Birthday to My Son” section. MY SON. Now that was weird. But you know, I had to do it. I had to let MY SON know that I was proud of him and loved him and that he deserved an appropriate birthday message.

I have to admit that when I go shopping these days, I find myself drifting over to the boys’ or young men’s department. That’s right. I now shop in the MEN’s department for my SON.  Yeah, I know. It’s kind of strange. There is actually a part of this that is gratifying. I like being able to make him happy. You see, Hunter really likes clothes — now. And though he is still figuring out his own style and what feels right to him, he enjoys shopping. That is pretty cool to me. As Olivia, we had many battles at the mall, in the middle of Kohl’s, at TJ Maxx, trying on party clothes, finding shoes, etc. In hindsight, I now understand what was going on.

Another first, was when we had to shop for dress shoes. That was a bit weird for me but I was up for the challenge. Keep in mind, I have lots of experience buying girlie sandals, sparkly flats, spikey heels and pink, pink, pink. But, I had never shopped for dress shoes in the Men’s department for my SON. His skinny, long, arch-less foot never really fit properly into a girl’s shoe — unless of course it had laces or came in a quadruple narrow and had a strap to ensure that it would stay on the foot. So, off we went to find the shoe of his dreams…well, maybe that’s an exaggeration. He did know exactly what he wanted though and when we found it I was rewarded with a nod, a smile and a thanks, Ima (Hebrew for mom).

As we move along this journey there will be many other firsts. I anticipate some will be joy-filled and others wrought with worry and angst. Each first feels like passing GO — sometimes you collect $200 and sometimes you go straight to _____________.

(Fill in the blank: jail, Chance, …)

 

Born in the wrong body

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When you think about the incredible, miraculous outcome from two people coming together — that perfect tiny specimen of a human being, it is truly remarkable that more often than not everything goes exactly as it should. When you think about all the things that have to go just exactly right versus the opportunity for things to go horribly wrong, it is awe-inspiring. Cells divide and multiply millions of times to create our likenesses in miniature form.transgender FTMAs we know, there are times when the chromosomes collide and stuff goes awry. There are numerous birth defects, genetic abnormalities, physical deformities, cognitive impairments and more. And sometimes, individuals are just born into the wrong body.

I was recently asked if I had some advice for parents who want to have an open dialogue with their children about transgenderism. How do you explain the idea that a classmate who just happens to have female parts, is really a boy? It was an interesting question for me. Up until now all the feedback through the lens of kids and teens has been accepting, understanding and non-questioning.

The idea that gender is between the ears, not between the legs, is a succinct way to explain how a transgender individual can identify as male or female even though their parts don’t match up. Sometimes, we are just born into the wrong body. Being a man or a woman is NOT solely identified because of physicality.

So what if that explanation doesn’t help clarify? Well, sometimes your biological sex (if you have a penis or a vagina) doesn’t align with your gender identity (whether you feel male or female). Even if you don’t fully understand this, I hope you can agree that it is important to accept and acknowledge that we don’t live in a binary world. Being a man or a woman is not so black and white.

There are some who most likely would argue that it is less about being born into the wrong body and more about how we feel versus how we physically look. For sure, this is complicated. Actually, I’ve struggled for days trying to write something that would make sense and not sound like I was spitting out a bunch of trans propaganda.

I’ve joined a couple of transgender Facebook groups as a way to connect with other parents of trans children and as an honest, authentic way to hear from a community that I really know very little about. Here are a few things I’ve learned.

Trans men and women want to be accepted for who they are. They want to be loved. They want to love. They want friends and family connections. They don’t want their choices questioned. They want privacy.

It is not okay to ask about body parts. So, if you meet a guy (FTM) and want to know about his journey, there are lots of questions that you can ask. However, do NOT ask about his body  parts. That is private. Would you want someone to ask you about your parts? Do not ask an adult trans man or woman about their sex life. Do you want people to get all up in your business about how you “do it?”

Here are a couple of links that I hope you find interesting, informative and helpful.

Transgender allies

Complexities of gender

Keep in mind, that just as you would teach your child about someone with a physical disability, a cognitive deficit or a chronic disease, you should teach your child about gender differences. Embrace diversity.

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Thank you for your response. ✨

 

 

Living Your Gender

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I remember a day, many, many years ago, when I went with my grandpa to do some errands. I was about ten years old. The day had so much promise. I loved my grandparents more than anything and any opportunity to see them, together or individually, was met with joyous anticipation. Unfortunately, my memory is not all that great and I honestly can’t remember most of what we did that day, more than forty years ago. However, there is one specific moment of that day that stands out so vividly; I can recount what I was wearing, what was said and how that moment made me feel.

Among our stops that day was the barber shop. My grandpa needed a haircut and couldn’t wait to show off his granddaughter to the barber. We walk in (I am on top of the world) and before my grandpa could even introduce me, the barber says, “Ira, I see your brought your grandson with you today.”

Grandson?! Was he talking to us? I was MORTIFIED. I was definitely NOT a boy. I was very much a girl. That was a certainty.

In all fairness to the kindly, old barber, I was wearing levi’s (girls back then didn’t often wear jean-style pants) and had recently gotten a very short “pixie” haircut. At ten, girls and boys don’t look much different – it’s the clothes and hair that creates the perception of gender.

By the way, the barber felt terrible that he had mistaken me for a boy but I have never forgotten how I felt being identified as the wrong gender.

My son is transgender. He has known for quite a while that he is a boy. Of that he is as certain as I was at ten, out with my grandpa, knowing that I was a girl. When he goes out there is a certain amount of anxiety as to whether he will “pass.” Though his confidence builds with each passing day, I am guessing that there will always be a little voice in the back of his head questioning and wondering if people will see him the way he wants to be seen.

Try to imagine how you would feel if every time you went out, people thought you were someone other than who you knew you were. You might need to read that sentence a couple of times before it makes sense.

roz hunter trans sonIt takes an incredible amount of courage for a trans individual (whether MTF or FTM) to live as the gender they affirm. For Hunter, the past year has been an evolutionary process. He slowly changed his manner of dress, his hair, his visual identity.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the adults who grew up in a time when they couldn’t be anyone other than their assigned gender. Now, as adults, they are finding the courage to live differently. It is a BIG deal for a forty year old who has been living life as a man to make the hard, brave decision to go out for the evening dressed as a woman. Think about that. The next time you are out and find yourself staring a little too long wondering if the person seated across the restaurant from you is a man or a woman, remember that he or she is a human being first. The road they’ve travelled has likely been difficult and fraught with rejection, uncertainty and insecurity.

The next time you are wondering about someone else’s gender or choices, remember how certain you are of your own.

What do you see?

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When you look at your child(ren) what do you see? Beauty? Potential? Vulnerability? Curiosity? Capacity? Wonder? Intelligence? Hope? Or do you see flaws, fears, anxieties, failure? Do you see a boy with an endless thirst for knowledge? A girl twirling her way to Broadway?

my son is transIf how we see our sons and daughters is reflected daily in our eyes, how do you think we affect the way they see themselves? When my son looks in the mirror I know he doesn’t always embrace the image that stares back. His reflection is a blended concoction of what he feels, who he wants to be, how we make him feel and much more. What he sees is a hybrid of a sort.

Often we worry about our kids – are they making good choices in the important areas of their life? When they are little, it’s pretty easy to control who they have play dates with, what they are viewing on the screen and what they wear. As they get older and more independent it is increasingly difficult to control; influence is what we hope for.

Our children see disappointment on our faces when they make a poor choice. I learned early on that I have to pick my battles. Putting my foot down about clothing (as long as it meets dress code) is probably not a fight worth having. Enforcing a no tattoo, no ear gauges, no blue hair policy makes me less popular. However, these are battles that I fight and will continue to fight. This is how I teach my son to respect his body.

When I look at my son I see a beautiful child with incredible potential. I see a boy that owns a place in my heart that is buried deep within my soul. When I look at my son I see someone longing to fit in, hoping to belong, wishing to feel normal. I see a young man in the making.

My hope is that the choices I make and the ways in which I view him will positively influence the choices that he makes and the ever evolving reflection he sees daily as he combs his hair and adjusts his collar.

Added Note:

Individuals with body dysphoria don’t see a reflection that makes them happy. When they look in the mirror they are often disgusted with what they see. It’s difficult to see hope, confidence and self-esteem when the image staring back at you is so foreign from what is expected. Many transgender men and women are plagued with body dysphoria. Trans FTM and MTF have similar yet different issues with how they see themselves.

What’s the difference?

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“I always knew I was different.” I’ve heard this sentiment echoed by many, including my own child. Funny thing is, I always knew he was different, too. In the early days we didn’t have a label for it.

transgenderAside from the “tomboy” behavior, there were little things in her/his behavior that, individually didn’t mean much, but when cobbled together raised eyebrows and questions. In fact, I remember at one point we bought a beautifully illustrated children’s book titled, It’s okay to be different. We wanted to reassure our young child that not everyone is the same, diversity is a good thing and that it was truly okay to be different.

Young children who don’t fit into the perceived definition of what’s normal, by either their peers or others around them, are open and at risk for ridicule, self-doubt and numerous anxieties and insecurities. Olivia always loved playing with the boys. I vividly remember a group of “mean girls” in third grade telling her that if she continued to play with the boys then they would no longer be her friends. Honestly, I think I was more hurt by these insensitive children. Where did they learn such discriminating behavior at such a young age? We’ve always taught our kids to “be nice to everyone” — live and let live.

Speaking of differences, did you know that gender identity and sexual orientation are different? I never had thought about this until recently. Actually, I didn’t really understand the notion that these two worlds have different definitions.

So, for those uninitiated, let me explain. It’s really quite simple. Gender identity is how you see yourself, the gender in which you affirm — used to be the only choices were male or female. Sexual orientation is about attraction, sexual preference. For example, my gender is female and my sexual orientation is heterosexual; I am attracted to men (only my husband, of course).  I am not going to get into the array of “preferences/attractions” in this post…suffice to say that the boundaries are moving and changing. Perhaps they always have. The good news is that what used to be viewed as “deviant” is now referred to as “variant.” Think about the autism “spectrum” and how that’s changed.

Transgender individuals have a variety of sexual attractions. A trans man (FTM) may prefer women or may identify as gay and prefer men or may be attracted to men and women. The same holds true for trans women (MTF). Just because she identifies as female doesn’t mean she prefers men. It can be complicated and confusing and full of anxiety for trans families and individuals trying to find their way. This is all uncharted territory for most of us.

Regardless of the journey, no matter the road travelled, one thing’s for certain. It’s okay to be different.

 

Legal Name Change

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One of the camp counselors called the other day to give us a few last minute reminders. He wanted to make sure that we send a brown bag lunch (for the bus ride), bug “dope”, some spending money and Olivia’s passport, among other things. ALARM BELLS. He also wanted to let us know that he was looking forward to having Olivia up at camp (ALARM BELLS) and that we should arrive by 6:30 a.m. Monday morning. 

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Of course, he was looking forward to meeting Olivia. Hunter is registered for camp as Olivia. We have not yet changed his name legally. I reminded the youngish sounding counselor that while the name “Olivia” is on all the official forms, she is transgender and prefers male pronouns and goes by Hunter. “Oh, Hunter.” he said with some recognition. Apparently, he had been told about Hunter but did not make the connection between Hunter and Olivia. WHEW. Glad we got that cleared up before the bus on Monday morning.

Recently, we had to send official school transcripts to a doctor’s office. I got this email in response, “Thank you for sending these. However, I think you sent your daughter’s transcripts.”

At first I was confused. Wasn’t I supposed to send the transcripts? Then, it hit me. The transcripts say Olivia. 

It is mortifying (for Hunter) to sit in a doctor’s office waiting room and hear them call, “Olivia, we’re ready for you.”

From what I understand, it is not all that complicated to change one’s name legally…just a bunch of paperwork including filing a petition, a $150 fee and a court appearance. We can get his name changed on the birth certificate as well. And, then there’s social security. Oh, and the passport. It is tricky to travel because the photo on the passport is of Olivia with long “girl” hair. This really is all fairly straightforward. HA.

Do not confuse name change with changing the gender marker. This is a big deal. And, I don’t believe we can do that until sex reassignment surgery takes place or at least “top” surgery. This is where breasts are removed to achieve a masculine chest appearance. This usually doesn’t happen until the age of eighteen.

I have a friend, Sarah*,whose son is also FTM trans, who has already gone through the legal name change with her son. Though her son and Hunter are the same age, they are about 6 months to a year ahead of us. She has been a great resource for me. My friend and I met when we were at the beginning of our journey. I marvelled at how she embraced the process of dealing with a transgender child. Sarah seemed so together. It was really impressive. Her son is her only child and she was determined to do everything under the sun to aid his transition. But, there was something she said to me in that first meeting, our first of many cups of coffee, that stuck with me.

“I would rather have a live son, than a dead daughter.” As an Emergency Medicine physician, she had seen her share of bad stuff…not to mention the above average suicide rate among trans teens. For months that statement reverberated in my head. Sarah put things in perspective for me. I needed that.

So, it is time for a legal name change. It is the least I can do for my son to make his life just a tiny bit better on a daily basis. 

*Not her real name

http://courts.mi.gov/self-help/center/casetype/pages/namechangesh.aspx